Shouldn’t Arizona Scrutinize How Men Are Using Viagra?

March 16, 2012

In the controversy over contraceptive coverage for women in health care plans, things get crazier by the minute. Arizona is considering legislation that would permit religious employers to require women who want reimbursement for the cost of contraception to submit a claim, supported by evidence, that the pills are not being used for contraception, but to treat some other medical issue. Incredible, right?

But whatever you think of the Arizona law, one thing is clear: what’s sauce for the goose should be sauce for the gander.

Erectile dysfunction can be a serious medical issue, and nothing I say in this post is intended to make light of that condition. Health plans provide coverage for Viagra, Cialis and other drugs used to treat this condition, and properly so. But the doctrine of many religious institutions prohibits fornication, extramarital sex, sodomy or other “unnatural sex.” Furthermore, ED drugs are not used only by men who actually need it, but by men who want to “enhance” their performance. Seems to me that Arizona should allow religious institutions to require men obtaining ED drugs to fill out a questionnaire verifying they are using these drugs consistently with church doctrine.

Arizona legislators are so busy passing laws regulating the private lives of its citizens that I think I should save then some time. Herewith my draft questionnaire for Arizona males asking for reimbursement for ED treatment:

1. Did you use your erection in conjunction with any unnatural activity, such as fellatio, anal sex, sex with another man, or masturbation?
2. Did you use your erection for intercourse with a person to whom you are not married?
3. Was your marriage solemnized in a nonreligious ceremony?
4. At any time during intercourse with your spouse did you fail to maintain the missionary position?
5. Is your spouse using contraceptive drugs for purposes of contraception?

A “yes” answer to any of these questions disqualifies you from coverage.*

* Please note, clergy do not have to answer these questions.

In addition, ED drugs can be used only to treat real problems with achieving or sustaining an erection. To ensure you are using these drugs properly, please describe your ED problem using the following limpness scale. NOTE: YOUR ANSWER MUST BE VERIFIED BY AN AFFIDAVIT.
1. Forget it; doesn’t move. 2. Occasional slight engorgement, with some twitching. 3. Enough wood from time-to-time but unpredictable.

If you choose 3, you must also submit a video recording showing at least one occasion when you were unable to achieve or sustain an erection.

There you go. No need to thank me Arizona. Just doing my civic duty.