Top Ten Rapture Excuses

May 18, 2011

Western Ave., near the Hollywood Freeway, in Los Angeles.

Crazy as it seems, there are people sincerely buying into the (alleged) biblical prediction that this Saturday, May 21st will usher in the rapture - the taking up to heaven of God's selected devotees. The rapture will be followed by months of apocalyptic battles that will culminate in the destruction of the earth. ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. (What's for dinner?)

I spoke to one believer recently who was in L.A. on Hollywood Blvd near the Chinese Theater giving out literature warning of the impending holocaust.

In my best non-accusatory tone, I asked what made her think that the rapture would happen.

Rapture Lady: The bible says it will happen... so it will.

Me: So you're convinced the bible is 100% accurate?

RL: Of course. It's the word of God. It's infallible.

Me: How do you explain the many contradictions in the bible?

RL: There are no contradictions in the bible.

Me: Have you ever read the bible?

RL: Parts of it...

Whoa. Here's a person holding a poster warning people of the Bible-predicted end-of-the-world at one of the most visited spots in the state of California, and she hasn't actually read that bible?

Me: Did you read the Gospel parts where there are all kinds of discrepancies between the authors about what happened at the tomb... among other things?

RL: I don't believe you.

Me: I wouldn't expect you to. You'll see if you read the stories when you get home.

RL: Why do you want to take that away from me?

Me: I didn't write the book. You said the bible was 100% accurate. I'm just asking how it could be 100% accurate and disagree with itself.

At that point, some other Christians approached and started accusing her of being a false prophet. That was my cue to exit, but before I left, I asked her what she was going to do if nothing happened on Saturday, May 21st.

RL: I guess I'll have to reexamine my life as to why I wasn't taken.

Me: What I mean is, what are you going to do if nothing at all happens... to anyone?

RL: That's impossible.

Me: I guess we'll see...

We'll see excuses like we saw from the Millerites, the Jehovah's Witnesses, and the never-ending supply of doomsayers who all share being wrong in common. But the rapture folks ought to say something after spending tens of thousands of dollars on billboards. (CBS outdoor advertising told me that the billboard a mile from CFI-LA costs $3000-$5000 per 4 week cycle and that the display itself can cost between $500 -$1000 to have made.)

Before this Saturday ends and the excuses start to fly as to why the long-awaited rapture didn't happen, here are my official predictions for what the good believers will say after midnight:


                    Underdown's Top Ten Excuses 
                   Why the Rapture Didn't Happen

10. Slipped God's mind. (He does have a universe to run!)
9. God decided he didn't want all those Christians up there with him after all.
8. NBA and NHL playoffs are still going.
7. Bible authors took public school math - got the date wrong
6. Satan too busy with Bin Laden arrival
5. Rapture billboard invoice still not paid off yet
4. Christians apprehensive about naked flight skyward
3. The mere THREAT of the Rapture turned the entire world virtuous
2. Huh? Rapture? OMG, what the hell were we thinking?!
1. What God really meant was that he May start the Rapture on the 21st

See you Sunday!