What’s next, Moses’ Red Sea Water Park?

December 1, 2010

At first, the announcement earlier today seemed like one of those wacky news stories from primitive lands that David Letterman mocks in his nightly monologue.

Kentucky Governor Steve Beshear announced today that Ark Encounter is expected to open in 2014. The creationist theme park will feature a 500 foot-long replica of Noah's Ark containing live animals, a replica of the Tower of Babel, and a first century Middle Eastern village. See the full story here :

Hey, it is a wacky news story from a primitive land!

The whole endeavor would almost be funny except for a few problems...

First and most obviously, Noah's Ark almost certainly did not exist, and if it did, there's no way in hell that two of every animal (and 7 of some, according to Genesis 7:2 ) ever made it on to a huge pre-Iron Age boat. I won't even waste the time to ask why God drowned everything that couldn't tread water, or to argue the impossibility of 8 adults (Noah, his 3 sons and their wives) feeding and caring for hundreds of thousands (millions!) of animals in a vast windowless barge for over a year !

It couldn't happen... then or now. (By the way, the folks behind this project believe there were dinosaurs on the Ark as well. At over 100 tons and up to 130 feet long, just feeding and housing an Argentinosaurus might get to be a headache. And you thought elephants had an appetite...)

Ok, so what's the problem with a bunch of fundamentalist Christians spending their own money on a fantasyland that promotes their unscientific view of the world? The act of propagating unsound religious beliefs is not illegal. If it were, the police wouldn't have time to write a jaywalking ticket on Hollywood Blvd.

The real problem is that the backers of this abomination - Ark Encounters LLC and Answers in Genesis - will receive massive tax breaks from the state of Kentucky for bringing tourist dollars to town. Under the Kentucky Tourism Development Act, developers can recover up to 25% of the cost of a project, in this case almost $40 million!

So, Bluegrass State residents, your tax dollars will be:
• Promoting Fundamental Christian religious beliefs
• Denying multiple aspects of modern science
• Lining the pockets of at least 2 religious organizations
• Implying the tacit endorsement of the state of Kentucky that this bible tale is true

But all is not lost.

If we evidence-based citizens can't find a way to stop this monstrosity from being built, there will still be a bright side to all this ridiculousness.

They will have to build it.

And they will have to run it, and in that process, they will discover how truly insane the notion of Noah's Ark is.

So in the spirit of competing belief systems, I dare them to build this land ark (Lark?) - but I dare them to build it the way the holy book says it should be built.

I dare them to use ( at latest ) 4000 year-old technology and materials to construct the thing. I dare them to follow the bible's directions to install one and only one window - and to coat the whole ark inside and out with pitch (tar).

I dare them to staff the ark-proper with only 8 workers, and fill that sucker up with as many large mammals as they can cram inside. Can they load up the hold with food enough for a year and make it the whole way without spoilage and without refrigeration? Hmmm?

Let's see the 8 zookeepers dispose of the tons of dung and manure that will quickly build up every day. They'll have to administer to any sick or injured animals in between all the shoveling.

If they really want to be true to the tale, I dare them to launch this thing in a lake or a river so the gigantic craft will have to be more or less watertight and support its own massive weight. Tsk tsk... no electric bilge pumps to keep the SS Lark off the bottom!

And finally, I dare all the good Christian visitors to plop down their hard-earned money to wind their way through this cramped, dark, methane-filled nightmare where animal hell has become reality.

Bring the kids, so they can see what God hath wrought!





#1 Ron Pine (Guest) on Friday December 03, 2010 at 9:29am

I thought it was 14 (=7 pairs), not 7.  I’ll have to go back and read Genesis again to check.

#2 lucette (Guest) on Friday December 03, 2010 at 11:59am

Noah did not have to include food for the animals because they were themselves the food. And there was even lots of food available for the animal caretakers.  With the rabbits doing their thing, and other pairs doing theirs, the number of animals in the ark must have been increasing. Maybe it was god’s experiment in ecology, and the dinosaurs did not survive: no need for meteors.

#3 John Blank (Guest) on Friday December 03, 2010 at 12:56pm

James Underdown, all I have to say is you’re a non-believer so of course you can’t understand or believe how this was possible or believe in the power of almighty being AKA God. You probably believe you came form some primordial goo, or maybe an ape or chimp. It’s not your fault you do not have faith in the almighty God that created the heavens and earth and yes all the other planets too. How anyone can believe that all the conditions were just exactly right and a big bang just happened all by it’s self. But the best part of all is there will be a day that you leave this earth, hopefully after a long and fulfilling life only to find out… That yes, there is an almighty being that is behind this thing we call life. Modern science is the way we try to understand the Almighty’s work which is awe inspiring and will be until the end. May God have mercy on your eternal soul. Yeah, you have one of those too….JB

#4 Ron Pine (Guest) on Friday December 03, 2010 at 1:17pm

Lucette: There are some energetics/thermodynamic problems with the idea of the animals’ food consisting only of each other and their being able to multiply on the Ark.  So did all the animals just feed off of each other, including the kinds that are now herbivorous?  God was “experimenting” in ecology?  What kind of god is that?  If their experience on the Ark killed off the dinosaurs, then God’s and Noah’s getting them on the Ark in the first place would be a case of God acting in vain wouldn’t it?

#5 Ron Pine (Guest) on Friday December 03, 2010 at 2:08pm

John Blank: Why do you say that it’s not James Underdown’s fault that he does not have faith in the almighty God?  If it’s not his fault, then whose is it?  If it’s not his fault, then why should God be in the position of having to decide whether or not to have mercy on his eternal soul?

#6 lol mahmood (Guest) on Saturday December 04, 2010 at 1:37am

You should definitely call them on the authenticity thing.  If they use any modern materials or methods, or more than 8 staff, etc., bitch long and loud…...

#7 Ernest Kahn (Guest) on Saturday December 04, 2010 at 2:03am

Don’t you know that the chimps and gorillas were tasked with shovelling the manure. And the methane was used for fuelling the engine, in fact you go at least 2 miles on an elephant fart.

#8 Sandy (Guest) on Saturday December 04, 2010 at 12:15pm

I suppose it makes more sense to support Superman or Batman theme parks?  Disneyland, perhaps?  Those represent reality so well and promote nothing ill.

#9 Uzza (Guest) on Saturday December 04, 2010 at 5:00pm

It would be awesome (not to mention legal)  if we did this inclusively, with Thor, Loki, the FSM, Bacchus, Voodoo zombies, Thor’s fiery chariot,  Quetzacoatl’s raft of snakes .. the possibilities are endless.

#10 Wózki dziecięce (Guest) on Sunday December 05, 2010 at 8:45am

Very interesting article. Thank you for useful information

#11 Joanne (Guest) on Monday December 06, 2010 at 11:48am

Let them go ahead…they will only wind up looking like the fools they are.  Why don’t they take all that money and better the lot of homeless, parentless, unloved and uneducated children in the world.  Is that not what a good “Christian” would do. Is that not what god or jesus would expect.  Do they actually think they will change the mindset of any thinking human being or do they just have to reinforce their own baseless beliefs. Ignorance can be cured, stupidity cannot and that is what is wrong with all of them.  They are born, live and die stupid and unthinking.

#12 Rev. Smith (Guest) on Friday December 10, 2010 at 10:19pm

This theme park needs to be a JUDAIC theme park.
The story of Noah is in the Hebrew Old Testament.
He is not a ‘Christian’, as the Christian religion did not exist until several thousand years after Noah died.

The Old Testament was written between 1441 and 1280 B.C., well over 1,000 years before there was even a
“Jesus Christ”, and it was written by Jews.

When Jesus was alive, he and most of the people he knew were JEWISH. They were NOT Christians.

For these morons to call this a “Christian” theme park is just God’s way of demonstrating to the rest of us that these brain-dead idiots have an IQ that is less than a trained squirrel monkey.

Noah was not a Jew, as Judaism did not arrive in the Middle East until well after he died. But, as mentioned above, he most definitely was not a Christian.

They need to rename this theme park “THE MORON THEME PARK FOR RELIGIOUS IDIOTS”

Keep in mind….a fool and his money are soon parted, and the State of Kentucky is VERY interested in taking advantage of people who are illiterate and willing to part with their hard-earned cash.

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