A recent poll revealed that 43% of those asked thought that God helps Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow win.

He (God) does not.

God, almost certainly, does not exist.

Hold on, believers, there’s another point here!

What should have been asked is whether Tim Tebow’s belief in god helps him win. The answer to that question is: very possibly. But so what? Any strong belief that adds to an athlete’s confidence, resolve, focus, etc. may help him or her perform well. One’s state of mind - especially in pro football which involves playing with pain, risk of significant injury, and millions of eyes watching your every move - can have a considerable effect on performance.

It doesn’t matter whether the belief itself is true or not. Absolute confidence in the Easter Bunny being behind your efforts would have the exact same effect. An athlete who believes a rabbit’s foot, a Power Balance bracelet, or a lucky penny will optimize his performance is on a level playing field with one who believes God, Shiva, or Zeus will do the same.

So Tebow’s believing is what counts, not the subject of the belief or whether it’s delusional or not.

Oh, and another thing.

Since there are plenty of athletes on both sides of every contest openly kneeling, pointing to the sky, and thanking God and Jesus for their success, I think we can see that that playing field is even too. God’s children square off to pummel each other every week.

So who gets the win at the end of the day if all beliefs are pretty equal? The better team! (Usually)

The Denver Broncos at 8-8 (after the regular season) are one of the worst teams to ever make the playoffs. Their win at home last week could have only happened against a team as beat up as the Steelers. But Tebow’s seen his last miracle. The Patriots will eat him up like a Roman lion.

Where will his savior be then?

James Underdown is Executive Director of the Center for Inquiry Los Angeles, and played football for winning teams each of his 4 years in college.

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A death-row inmate is denied an appeal because his attorneys had switched law firms. A letter the court sent to the inmate’s lawyers’ old firm is returned, and the deadline to file an appeal expires before they can respond. The state and an appeals court ignore the clerical miscommunication by saying it’s the state’s prerogative to bar such appeals if the deadline has passed. The man may be executed before all his appeals are heard.

This is no Orwellian nightmare. It’s a real case before the U.S. Supreme Court involving an Alabama man named Cory Maples who’s in jail for murder. Maples is an admitted murderer whose appeal aims to avoid the death penalty, not prison. Even so, all prisoners in the U.S. criminal justice system should get hearings as far as their rights allow - especially when it comes to capital punishment. U.S Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia apparently disagrees.

There are at least three reasons this case should make you shudder. One is that Antonin Scalia, one of the nine U.S. citizens (presumably) hired to ensure some semblance of fairness in our legal system, responded to the draconian earlier rulings by saying (to Maples):

“You have a lawyer. It’s up to the lawyer to follow what goes on it court.”

So, Justice, a man’s life now rides on his lawyer’s diligence in monitoring his former employer’s clerical staff to ensure they forward mail in a timely fashion? I wonder how many people in the United States make regular contact with their former employers to insist they get their mail.

Hell, Alabama will still probably lethally inject the guy even if he does get a proper hearing. Alabama, although ranked only the 23rd most populous state, is ranked 6th in executions since 1976 with 54. (This is many times higher than all of Europe, Canada, Mexico, and Japan combined.) One must wonder why Alabama has such a high proclivity toward the highest punishment.

The third reason this case is problematic is the death penalty itself. It is sentenced unevenly throughout the U.S. - state by state, and racially, at least, and I’d bet by the economic status of the accused. (Are there many wealthy accused murderers executed?)

There are many reasons the death penalty has been outlawed in most of the civilized world. The callousness by which it is enforced is only one of them. Antonin Scalia, in opposition to other conservative Justices Roberts and Alito, is the embodiment of such callousness. Shame on him.

And shame on the 34 states who still hold the power of life and death over their inhabitants. This ancient, fatally flawed system must go.

p.s. A ray of hope appeared in another L.A. Times story across the page from the above. After serving 25 years for allegedly murdering his wife, a Texas man was freed after DNA evidence showed that another man was responsible. He’s lucky Antonin Scalia didn’t sentence him.

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 When I got a call from a woman named Lindsey inviting me to appear at the Moment Church during their Sunday evening service, some warning bells went off in my head. She sounded like a nice enough person, but why would they want me, a career atheist, to even be at their church, much less have a voice there?

This ain’t no UU Church, by the way. Moment’s  “what we believe” statement of faith on their website represents what I would call pretty hardcore Christianity – God is the ubiquitous, all-knowing creator of the universe; the bible is inerrant; you get to heaven through Jesus; marriage is between one man and one woman. You get the picture.

I’ve always been an experience junkie, so I said yes. My friend Spencer, an ex-cop, half-jokingly asked me if I wanted to borrow an old Kevlar vest. I laughed and said no… thought about  lunatics with guns for a second, and said no again. Was I missing something here? Could these people be for real? I asked them if I could bring some other secular types along and shoot our own video — just in case something memorable happened. They said yes to both. That eased my mind a bit, but I still wondered if there was something up their sleeve.

Moment’s Pastor Tony Wood called on the Wednesday before to talk about how he’d like the service to go. He emphasized that he didn’t want this to turn into a debate or argument. It would be more of a chat that might build some bridges between our very different communities. That sounded fine to me. It meant less preparation and less stress.

I’ve accompanied CFI L.A. Chairman Eddie Tabash many times deep into the hinterlands of fundamentalist Christianity for his formal debates, and have been in lots of heated theological discussions with red-faced, veins-a-bulging Christians incensed at the idea of someone so casually blaspheming before them. That’s an evening you have to be in the mood for.

The ride down to Orange County from CFI  in Hollywood was full of speculation about what might happen. Karl and Craig, two CFI members keen to experience this encounter, ran through a litany of arguments our side has been using on apologists for ages – just in case it turned out to be an ambush. I was like a boxer going through a pre-bout warm-up.

The church itself is in an industrial park in Irvine, which immediately brought back memories of a double exorcism I once attended at a church in Sacramento – also in an industrial park. Location’s where the similarities  ended, though. Moment Church sublets from a larger church that has many of the bells and whistles that mega churches have – live, big-screen overhead projection, a slick P.A. system featuring light-show elements and a smoke machine, and streaming video.

When we finally found the front door (there were a couple of Spinal Tap tries) we were all greeted warmly and I was allowed into the pre-service briefing. They run their Sunday services pretty tightly, and I told them their script reminded me of the Oprah Show, which I had been a guest on. Tony seemed impressed by this, but neglected to ask me what the show topic was. (The topic, incidentally, was “Should you have sex before marriage?” As a Chicagoan in my mid 20s at the time, I felt it an obligation to represent the Ayes.)

The crowd of 200 (250?) seemed young – lots of teens and twenties – which explained the band opening the service with some (Christian) rock and roll, the big screens, and the text-in-your-questions format.

As Pastor Tony prayed before inviting me up to the stage, it occurred to me that they were taking a bit of a chance on me being there. I was largely an unknown element to them. But I saw no reason to change the warm and fuzzy tone of the service by going off on a rant –  maybe with examples of the gospels contradicting each other, or by explaining how free will can’t exist if God is omniscient. These people really did sound sincere, and I had been listening hard for ulterior motives in the tone of their voices! So I relaxed and had a good time.

The interview went well, I thought. Tony seemed genuinely interested, and I don’t think I offended too many of those in attendance.  I threw one bone to the non-believers in the crowd when I said “You (Christians) stole Christmas from us (non-Christians who celebrate the winter solstice).” Whether Tony knew what I was talking about or not, he didn’t bite, and we rolled respectfully onward.

After the interview, the dozen or so atheists in the crowd politely sat through a heartfelt sermon about prayer that used background music for added effect, and then retired to the lobby for a few post-service pics and some abbreviated theological discussion.

Both camps went to the same restaurant afterward, ate amongst their own (we had beer, thank goodness), then reconvened for more discussion. Some of the kids that I spoke to wanted to know about paranormal investigations I’d been involved with and actually seemed fairly skeptically minded. I tried to underscore for them the similarity between belief in the paranormal and belief in the supernatural. (See my ReasonFest talk here)  I’m not sure if they saw the connection, but the conversation was enjoyable in any case.

I never did pick up on any sinister ulterior motives they might have had for inviting me there. Maybe they just wanted to pray for someone as outwardly hell-bound as me. It’s hard to take offense at that, even if I do think praying is a waste of time.

It seemed to me that these young evangelists are less angry, more tolerant, and more open to interacting with their secular neighbors than their parents’ generation. Time will tell if those qualities will ever find their way to elections, school board meetings, and their treatment of good people who don’t share their views. It’s a start, though. It is a start.

If you want to see the video of what happened, have a look. Thanks to Bruce Gleason for shooting this footage:

Crazy as it seems, there are people sincerely buying into the (alleged) biblical prediction that this Saturday, May 21st will usher in the rapture - the taking up to heaven of God’s selected devotees. The rapture will be followed by months of apocalyptic battles that will culminate in the destruction of the earth. ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. (What’s for dinner?)

I spoke to one believer recently who was in L.A. on Hollywood Blvd near the Chinese Theater giving out literature warning of the impending holocaust.

In my best non-accusatory tone, I asked what made her think that the rapture would happen.

Rapture Lady: The bible says it will happen… so it will.

Me: So you’re convinced the bible is 100% accurate?

RL: Of course. It’s the word of God. It’s infallible.

Me: How do you explain the many contradictions in the bible?

RL: There are no contradictions in the bible.

Me: Have you ever read the bible?

RL: Parts of it…

Whoa. Here’s a person holding a poster warning people of the Bible-predicted end-of-the-world at one of the most visited spots in the state of California, and she hasn’t actually read that bible?

Me: Did you read the Gospel parts where there are all kinds of discrepancies between the authors about what happened at the tomb… among other things?

RL: I don’t believe you.

Me: I wouldn’t expect you to. You’ll see if you read the stories when you get home.

RL: Why do you want to take that away from me?

Me: I didn’t write the book. You said the bible was 100% accurate. I’m just asking how it could be 100% accurate and disagree with itself.

At that point, some other Christians approached and started accusing her of being a false prophet. That was my cue to exit, but before I left, I asked her what she was going to do if nothing happened on Saturday, May 21st.

RL: I guess I’ll have to reexamine my life as to why I wasn’t taken.

Me: What I mean is, what are you going to do if nothing at all happens… to anyone?

RL: That’s impossible.

Me: I guess we’ll see…

We’ll see excuses like we saw from the Millerites, the Jehovah’s Witnesses, and the never-ending supply of doomsayers who all share being wrong in common. But the rapture folks ought to say something after spending tens of thousands of dollars on billboards. (CBS outdoor advertising told me that the billboard a mile from CFI-LA costs $3000-$5000 per 4 week cycle and that the display itself can cost between $500 -$1000 to have made.)

Before this Saturday ends and the excuses start to fly as to why the long-awaited rapture didn’t happen, here are my official predictions for what the good believers will say after midnight:

                    Underdown’s Top Ten Excuses 
                   Why the Rapture Didn’t Happen

10. Slipped God’s mind. (He does have a universe to run!)
9. God decided he didn’t want all those Christians up there with him after all.
8. NBA and NHL playoffs are still going.
7. Bible authors took public school math - got the date wrong
6. Satan too busy with Bin Laden arrival
5. Rapture billboard invoice still not paid off yet
4. Christians apprehensive about naked flight skyward
3. The mere THREAT of the Rapture turned the entire world virtuous
2. Huh? Rapture? OMG, what the hell were we thinking?!
1. What God really meant was that he May start the Rapture on the 21st

See you Sunday!

 

  Kentucky Governor Steve Beshear announced today that Ark Encounter is expected to open in 2014. The creationist theme park will feature a 500 foot-long replica of Noah’s Ark containing live animals, a replica of the Tower of Babel, and a first century Middle Eastern village. See the     full story here     :  

Hey, it is a wacky news story from a primitive land!

The whole endeavor would almost be funny except for a few problems…

First and most obviously, Noah’s Ark almost certainly did not exist, and if it did, there’s no way in hell that two of every animal (and 7 of some, according to   Genesis 7:2 ) ever made it on to a huge pre-Iron Age boat. I won’t even waste the time to ask why God drowned everything that couldn’t tread water, or to argue the impossibility of 8 adults (Noah, his 3 sons and their wives) feeding and caring for hundreds of thousands (millions!) of animals in a vast windowless barge for   over a year !

It couldn’t happen… then or now. (By the way, the folks behind this project believe there were dinosaurs on the Ark as well. At over 100 tons and up to 130 feet long, just feeding and housing an Argentinosaurus might get to be a headache. And you thought elephants had an appetite…)

Ok, so what’s the problem with a bunch of fundamentalist Christians spending their own money on a fantasyland that promotes their unscientific view of the world? The act of propagating unsound religious beliefs is not illegal. If it were, the police wouldn’t have time to write a jaywalking ticket on Hollywood Blvd.

The real problem is that the backers of this abomination - Ark Encounters LLC and Answers in Genesis - will receive massive tax breaks from the state of Kentucky for bringing tourist dollars to town. Under the Kentucky Tourism Development Act, developers can recover up to 25% of the cost of a project, in this case almost $40 million!

  So, Bluegrass State residents, your tax dollars will be:  
  • Promoting Fundamental Christian religious beliefs  
  • Denying multiple aspects of modern science  
  • Lining the pockets of at least 2 religious organizations  
  • Implying the tacit endorsement of the state of Kentucky that this bible tale is true

But all is not lost.

If we evidence-based citizens can’t find a way to stop this monstrosity from being built, there will still be a bright side to all this ridiculousness.

They will have to build it.

And they will have to run it, and in that process, they will discover how truly insane the notion of Noah’s Ark is.

So in the spirit of competing belief systems, I dare them to build this land ark (Lark?) - but I dare them to build it the way the holy book   says it should be built.

I dare them to use (   at latest ) 4000 year-old technology and materials to construct the thing. I dare them to follow the bible’s directions to install one and only one window - and to coat the whole ark inside and out with pitch (tar).

I dare them to staff the ark-proper with only 8 workers, and fill that sucker up with as many large mammals as they can cram inside. Can they load up the hold with food enough for a year and make it the whole way without spoilage and without refrigeration? Hmmm?

Let’s see the 8 zookeepers dispose of the tons of dung and manure that will quickly build up every day. They’ll have to administer to any sick or injured animals in between all the shoveling.

If they really want to be true to the tale, I dare them to launch this thing in a lake or a river so the gigantic craft will have to be more or less watertight and support its own massive weight. Tsk tsk… no electric bilge pumps to keep the SS Lark off the bottom!

And finally, I dare all the good Christian visitors to plop down their hard-earned money to wind their way through this cramped, dark, methane-filled nightmare where animal hell has become reality.

Bring the kids, so they can see what God hath wrought!

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On October 21st, 2010, members of the Independent Investigations Group www.iigwest.org , 15 volunteers, and former Olympic gymnast Dominique Dawes conducted a test of a product called Power Balance bracelets ($29.95 online) at the Center for Inquiry-Los Angeles. Dominique was there with Yahoo News which    did a story and shot some video  of our test.

Power Balance claims that the holograms on their bracelets work with the body’s alleged (my word) energy field and improves strength, flexibility and balance by “optimizing the body’s natural energy flow.” I won’t speculate about how this device might work as I am in the Ray Hyman school that says let’s establish that it actually   does work before trying to figure out   how it works.

To support their claims, the company relies heavily on testimonials from blue-chip pro athletes like Lamar Odom of the L.A. Lakers and Derrick Rose of the Chicago Bulls. Odom and others are paid to endorse the product, and do wear them during games.

Power Balance, LLC, also uses highly subjective applied kinesiology tests to demonstrate the bracelets working. (One person analyzes another person’s resistance and balance by applying pressure in various ways.) Watch    this video  to see how the company tests the bracelets. 

This applied kinesiology method of testing the bracelet’s effectiveness is problematic and full of flaws. There is no way to know from videos like this how much pressure the tester is exerting, whether the technique used to apply the pressure is identical each time, or whether the resistance from the person being tested is the same each time. And most people’s flexibility seems to improve from their first stretch to their second stretch regardless of whether they are wearing the bracelet. (I invite you to try this for yourself using no bracelet.)

Also, the people being tested may unconsciously change their own resistance when they know the bracelet is on and think it   should be helping. Indeed, the psychological influence of believing the bracelet will help may be the only real effect Power Balance can claim. Any athlete knows that confidence is an asset.

To remove this   suggestive influence of the bracelets, we decided to test 15 volunteers and Dominique Dawes on a brief obstacle course that included a 16’ balance beam, a figure-8-course run with two 30 lb dumbbells, and a stretch test. We taped up the bracelets so that none of the volunteers ever knew whether they were wearing a real Power Balance bracelet or one that had had the holograms removed. The power of suggestion was therefore eliminated.

In random order, each of the 16 volunteers went through the course 4 times - once with the real bracelet on and 3 times with the bracelets that had no holograms. (By the way, the test was double blind - none of the testers or volunteers had any idea when or if they were wearing a real bracelet until well after the test was over.)

By the end of the test, each of the 4 bracelets we used (3 empty ones and one genuine) had been carried through the course a total of 16 times. (We spread the bracelets equally among the volunteers through the 4 rounds of trials to insure that no bracelet had a numerical advantage at any given time.)

So what happened?

We’re working on a full report that will be released in the near future, but I can say this:

If the one genuine Power Balance bracelet had an intrinsic value that really does confer better balance, flexibility and strength on the user, we should have seen cumulatively better scores when people wore it. When compared to the 3 “dummy” bracelets, the real one should have stood out with lower times and better flexibility.

That did not happen.

The scores between the 4 bracelets were very close together - exactly what you would expect to see if there was no significant effect from wearing the Power Balance bracelets. (In the obstacle course times, the genuine bracelet actually scored slightly   worse , though not statistically significantly worse.)

Our initial conclusion is that Power Balance bracelets have no discernable effect when the wearer doesn’t know if he has one on or not. In other words, the bracelet itself doesn’t seem to be doing anything.

As a sort of rabbit’s foot to be worn to boost one’s confidence, the bracelet might have some value, but as a boon to one’s athletic prowess, Power Balance bracelets are a bust.

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No really, it makes sense.

Why?

CFI represents many of the Enlightenment ideas that formed this country in the 18   ^th century, namely: an informed populace, the open discussion of ideas, secular government, and inalienable rights held by individuals, to name a few. Religious fundamentalists may not support those notions, but what better way to make a statement to the world that we’re still behind the ideas that made us great in the first place than to erect a CFI building there?

We (Inquirers) rise above the historical fighting among the world’s holy zealots and so side with neither dog in this fight. With neither a church nor a mosque on the site, no one can gloat and fan centuries-old flames even further.

Secularists had no hand in fomenting the fundamentalist Islamic fervor that convinced the terrorists that flying planes into buildings would please Allah. Secularists also had no hand in the historical “Let’s bring Jesus to the unwashed” attitude that may have threatened Middle East Muslims in the first place. Our record in the Muslim-Christian feud is clean. We are neither Montague nor Capulet.

As secular humanists, we don’t have to worry about the political correctness or the Constitutionality of whether or not to build a church, mosque, synagogue, or temple at Ground Zero. All those buildings would all be near the bottom of our   desired list of buildings to erect   anywhere . I don’t have to think twice about whether I’m being fair to Muslims vs. Christians, because my answer is the same to a Southern Baptist Chapel as it is to a Scientology Center: Better something else.

There are over a 1000 billionaires in the world according to     Forbes   . Maybe one of them can clear the air and solve this Islamic Center issue by buying a piece of Ground Zero and funding the new CFI-   New York .

Wouldn’t it feel right to occupy that space with an organization that promotes the idea that we can rise above the animosity that caused it to be available in the first place?

  James Underdown
Executive Director
Center for Inquiry-   Los Angeles

The Mormon and Catholic churches were the most eager to fund the intolerance, but there is evidence that Baptists and Evangelicals gave generously and also voted lopsidedly for their version of what marriage should be defined as.

Can there be true separation between the laws of the land and religious institutions if churches are working so vehemently to pass laws that derive their inspiration from scripture? Is the pious population now using California’s flawed proposition system to cherry-pick bible verses and turn them into law?

Apparently they are. Here in California a coffer full of cash, some scary campaign ads and slim majority can buy you a change in the constitution. That’s right, a 50.0001% majority can rewrite the California Constitution .

Last time I looked, constitutions were designed to guarantee minority rights and due process despite changing political climates – but that’s another story.

What’s interesting here in this Prop 8 battle is that the Bible has become the standard of law – not the greater good, not the Constitution – the Christian Bible.

Alarm bells should be ringing in everybody’s ears, including Christians themselves, because someday, some other Christians may want a line or two from the Good Book enforced that doesn’t quite jibe with their own views.

Gaze below into the future my children. For once we start pointing at bible verses to justify our laws, all hell will surely break loose.

At the risk of getting too entangled in the massive thicket of insane rules throughout the bible, let’s take a look at a few wacky biblical ideas – just from Matthew — that could be the next well-funded intrusion into your personal liberties.

Proposition D

Divorce is now illegal in all 50 states where there is a Christian majority.

What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

Matthew 19:6

Any devout Catholic who’s tried to get an annulment (they don’t like the “D” word) knows how the Church frowns upon divorce. If the Church (and God) thinks divorce is wrong, how can society possibly justify legal sanction for this awful practice?  Just because lots of people get divorced doesn’t make it right. What God hath frowned upon, let no man legalize.

Proposition $

No citizen’s income shall exceed 110% of any other citizen’s income.

And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.

Matthew 19:24

If you think Obama is a socialist, get a load of this! In order to please God and gain a seat near him in heaven, we must ensure that no one becomes too rich – at least compared to his fellow citizen. Therefore, Proposition $ will institute a tax and rebate system which will redistribute all the wealth in this country until everyone makes about the same amount of money.

Proposition 0

No one will be allowed to defend himself when sued.

And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also.

Matthew 5:40

Hereafter, there will be no need for defense attorneys. This civil court admonition in the Bible follows on the heels of the “turn the other cheek” passage which covers criminal court issues.

Of course, these examples from the New Testament are just the tip of the bad-law iceberg. A casual perusal of the Old Testament will reveal mountains of Draconian rules that most enlightened people would find ridiculous.

So why don’t we find some other sources for inspiration for creating laws? As far as the law is concerned, marriage is simply a contract between two people. Why not let those two people decide if they want to enter into the contract or not?

After all…

Then saith he unto them, Render therefore unto Caesar the things which are Caesar’s; and unto God the things that are God’s.

Matthew 22:21

Before I belabor the obvious, let me first say that the hearts, sympathies and best wishes of secular America go out to the good people of Haiti as they struggle through this difficult time. We sincerely hope the emergency workers and medical teams can stem the tide of suffering soon. (Go here to help.)

Now, if you haven’t already seen this, watch it now before I proceed. Pat Robertson’s foot-in-mouth disease .

My question is, at what point do Pat Robertson’s handlers duct-tape him to a chair and let someone else run the Cirque du 700 Club? The guy is clearly a few bricks shy of a load.

Oh, that’s right… there are lots of people out there who actually believe Pat’s little parable about the Devil and the CCHFPNDS (the Council of Colonial Haitians Formed for the Purpose of Negotiating Deals with Satan.) Disappointing, isn’t it?

I’ll Take Haitian History for $400, Alex…

Ok, first let’s start with the easy stuff. Haiti officially became independent from France in 1804, over 4 years before the birth of Napoleon III and over 48 years before N3 took office. So Pat, not only were the Haitians not under his heel, he didn’t even have a heel yet. So right off the bat, Pat’s little history lesson is way off.

A Blessing In (a very good) Disguise

When Pat asked if all the destruction might be a blessing in disguise, I wished for a moment that his house would fall down just to see if he’d feel blessed after such an event. That probably won’t happen, so I’ll spell it out.

Pat, having buildings crush and maim thousands and thousands of human beings is never a blessing. Countries can be rebuilt and improved before suffering massive loss of life. If I can figure that out, God should be able to.

Vengeance is Mine Sayeth…

By the way, at least 9 out of 10 Haitians call themselves Christian these days, and none of them participated in Pat’s alleged “pact with the devil” 200 years ago. Why would God punish so many of his own believers in 2010? That’s a hell of a way to make a point.

Now let’s talk a bit about this pact with the devil Pat spoke of. It’s not so unbelievable if you just close your eyes…

Imagine if you will a group of Haitians (whom Pat simply refers to as “they”) who somehow became the consensus representatives of all the islanders who wanted the French gone. They might have been chosen for their shrewd negotiating skills, their connections to populations throughout the island, or by height. We don’t know, but apparently Pat thinks they had the power to speak and act on behalf of the entire native population.

With the imprimatur of the whole island, this group then met somewhere – possibly a known hangout of the devil – and… what… stood around with toothpicks in their mouths trying to look tough until the Prince of Darkness happened to hoof by?

Why not.

Satan's not such a bad guy if he helps us with the French...

Deal or… Deal

Alright, so Big Red eventually shows up in a dark alley packing heat and whispers out of the side of his mouth to one of the Representatives of Rebellion:

Satan: “Say chum, you look like someone who can use a little help getting some frogs to swim back to their lily pad.”

RoR: “What if we are?”

Satan: “I might be able to help. But it’ll cost ya, see.”

RoR: “We don’t have very much money, sir. How much are we talking about – for complete independence I mean?”

Satan: “You get half the island, savvy, but your neighbors will always live better than you. When you rebels die, I’ll torment all your immortal souls for eternity, then I’ll plague the island with hurricanes, poverty, disease, political instability and corruption for the next 2 centuries, then level the place in 2010 with a devastating earthquake. But you’ll all be dead and in hell by then, so don’t worry about it.”

RoR: “It’s a Deal!”

…And most of the French died of yellow fever and the Haitians all lived happily ever after…

True story? Really, Pat?

Well… not really.

And this is the man who had the ear of presidents?

When asked why he attended Catholic Church during his yearly visits to France, Paul Kurtz often said that he likes to see what the opposition is up to.

So, partially out of a Kurtz-inspired curiosity and partially to shock my very Catholic Uncle who had no idea I’d arrive next to him in the third pew, I went to mass at St. Daniel’s church in Wheaton, IL, with notebook in-hand on the morning of December 25th , 2009 – Jesus’ 2000th (and something) birthday.

There was a time before my own 10th birthday when I would have felt awe and reverence while in church. I can’t remember ever liking going to mass, but there was a certain gravity to it all. The Catholics are quite good at pomp and ritual. The St. Daniel’s altar was loaded with flowers, the priests were in full regalia, and a ½ scale crèche sat nestled below and to the left of the much larger (artist’s conception of a) crucified christ attached to the wall above the proceedings.

Even the occasional Catholics were in attendance sitting in rapt attention on this High Holy Day. But I just wasn’t feeling it. I marginally enjoyed the music and listened to every word – questions and counterpoints swirling around my mind through it all – but the awe and reverence was gone.

Inside the House of God

The elderly priest who lethargically celebrated (Yay!) the mass began his sermon by asking if Santa Claus had visited everyone. Ok… lead with a joke. I can see that. But later, the same priest spoke about how fortunate we all are to have Christ with us all 365 days of the year, while Santa – no hint of joke or irony here – only comes to town once a year.

Did I hear that right? He’s comparing Jesus to Santa? The smart-ass in me so wanted to raise my hand and ask, “You know Santa’s not real, right?” Out of respect for my Uncle I sat quietly and watched the rote movements of the rest of the ritual while musing about the psychology and sociology of belief, and how primitive it all now looks.

I didn't go up for communion, by the way...

Contrast that morning to a visit I made a few days earlier to Fermilab – the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory in Batavia, IL. My wife, sister, niece, nephew and I took a tour of Fermilab and scratched the surface of what goes on there.

This 6800 acre facility run by the U.S. Department of Energy is home to the Tevatron, the world’s most powerful proton-antiproton particle accelerator. (The Large Hadron Collider at the CERN facility outside Geneva, Switzerland, is larger and more powerful, but is designed to accelerate protons and lead nuclei.)

The physics they study there is mostly beyond me, but the place itself was fascinating. A number of major discoveries unlocking the secrets of nature were made at Fermilab, including:

I didn't go up for communion, by the way...

• The discovery of the bottom quark in1977, the top quark in 1995, and the tau neutrino in 2000
• Fermilab’s Sloan Digital Sky Survey identified more than 100 million stars, galaxies and quasars between 1998 and 2005
• In 2007, the Pierre Auger Observatory identified supermassive black holes as the most likely source of the highest-energy cosmic rays
• Scientists are currently using Fermilab’s Tevatron to look for evidence for an entirely new class of subatomic particles as well as the first signs of new dimensions of space-time
• Other Fermilab scientists are using ultrasensitive detectors as well as telescopes to unravel the mysteries of dark matter and dark energy, the two mysterious components that dominate the universe
• See more here

What could be simpler than quantum mechanics?

In addition to all the amazing science that is being done there, there is art and sculpture woven into the landscape and architecture, and much thought is given to the natural surroundings of the buildings. A section of prairie is being rehabilitated and a small herd of bison live on the property.

Outside Wilson Hall, Fermilab

There was none of the church’s rote, unthinking ritual anywhere near the place. The staff and scientists seemed genuinely interested – no excited – about their work. They were learning and discovering things. They were paving a road to the future, not droning on reciting beliefs about an unprovable past.

Our docent was quick to remind the tour group that many useful benefits had come out of this facility – technology surrounding MRI machines, cancer treatment, superconductivity, giant magnets, computing, food sterilization, home security (the list goes on.)

Hell, unlocking the secrets of the universe was plenty justification for me.

When I learned that I was looking at the building where fundamental constituents of matter were first known to human beings, the hair stood up on the back of my neck. It was like standing in front of the Leaning Tower of Pisa and imagining Galileo at work.

I saw Fermilab as an inspiring cathedral of learning that made church seem rather sad in comparison.

The atrium in Wilson Hall

My awe had found a new home.