A young lady came home and told her Mother that her boyfriend had proposed but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn’t believe in Hell. 

“Marry him anyway, dear,” the Mother said.  “Between the two of us, we’ll show him just how wrong he is.”
===
A young nun, Sister Marilyn and the Mother Superior are traveling through Europe in their car.  They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.  Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

“Mother Superior!” shouts Sister Marilyn.  “What shall we do?”

“Turn the windshield wipers on.  That will get rid of the abomination,” says the Mother Superior.

Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.  “What shall I do now?” she shouts.

“Switch on the windshield washer.  I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican,” says the Mother Superior.

Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer.  Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

“Now what?” shouts Sister Marilyn.

“Show him your cross,” says the Mother Superior.

“Now you’re talking,” says the young nun as she opens the window and shouts, “Get the f*** off our car, a**hole!”

There were three men standing at the Pearly Gates of Heaven where Saint Peter met them and asked, “what would each of you like to hear your relatives or friends say at your funeral?”
The first man answered, “I am a renowned doctor and I would love to hear someone say how I had been instrumental in saving someone’s life and gave them a second chance.”
The second man replied, “I am a family man and a school teacher, I would like to hear some say what a great husband and father I was and that I had been made a difference in some young person’s life.”
The third man replied, “Wow guys, those are really great things.  I’m a scientist so I guess if I had my choice I would rather hear someone say, “LOOK!!! HE’S MOVING!!!”
===
A married woman was having an affair, and whenever her lover came over, she put her nine year old son in the closet.  One day the woman heard a car in the driveway and put her lover on the closet as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy said, “Its dark in here, isn’t it?”

“Yes it is,” the man replied.

“You wanna buy a baseball?” the little boy asked.

“No, Thanks,” the man replied.

“I think you do,” the little extortionist continued.

“Ok, how much?” the man replied after considering the position he was in.

“Twenty-five dollars,” the little boy said.

“TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!” the man repeated incredulously, but complied to protect his hidden position.

The following week, she heard a car in the driveway and, again, placed her lover in the closet with the little boy.

“Its dark in here, isn’t it?” the boy started off.

“Yes it is”, replied the man.

“Wanna buy a baseball glove?” the little boy asked.

“Ok. How much?” the hiding lover responded, acknowledging his disadvantage.

“Fifty dollars,” the boy replied and the transaction was completed.

The next weekend, the little boy’s father said “Hey, son, go get your ball and glove and we’ll play some catch.”

“I can’t.  I sold them,” the little boy said.

“How much did you get for them?” asked the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

“Seventy-five dollars,” the little boy said.

The father, being an ethical, God-fearing Christian, and believing the boy had cheated another child, said, “SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?  That’s thievery!  I’m taking you to church right now.  You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness,” as he hauled his son away.

At the church, the little boy went into the confessional, drew the curtain, sat down, and said, “Gee, its dark in here, isn’t it?”

The priest said, “Don’t you start that s**t in here, now.”

A minister had just taken a new job at an inner-city church.  Walking around the neighborhood, he saw a group of teenage boys loitering on a corner, smoking cigaretters, cussing and making sexual comments to the girls walking by.  “Can any of you tell me how to find the nearest post office?” asked the minister, just to make conversation.  After one of the boys had given him directions, the minister went on, “Can’t you boys see that your wicked lifestyle is a dead end?  Why don’t you come with me to church, and let me lead you into the Kingdom of Heaven?”

“Kingdom of Heaven?” scoffed the boy who had given him directions.  “You can’t even find the f***ing post office!”

This one’s a true story.
A graduate student who was living in Madrid and his wife were introduced to a Catholic priest. While Mrs. Student was far from fluent in Spanish, she had a lively theological discussion with the priest.
When it came time for the priest to introduce Mr. and Mrs. Student to some friends, he said:
“Bueno, ellos son protestantes, pero ella protesta mas que el.”
(“Well, these people are Protestants, but she protests more than he.”)

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[quote author=“George Benedik”]What is it that orbits around the Earth? Find out here .

Oh ... my ... god. Just shows that scientific illiteracy is universal. 56% of the audience thought the sun orbited the earth!

... of course, I’m sure we in the US would score the same or worse ...

deleted by the author

Hee… I like a lot of these…

I have a few of my own, one from Babylon 5 which isn’t exactly a religious joke… but it has religion in it.

=====

A doctor in a mental asylum is making his rounds, and he stops at the bed of a patient and asks “Who are you?”

The patient replies, “I’m Napoleon.”

The doctor asks, “How do you know.”

“God told me.”

And a voice from the next bed over says… “I did not.”

Did anyone see the “Best and Worst of the Year” Awards, published in Skeptical Inquirer?  I think my favorite is the:

“New Word: Pignorant” Award [which] goes to Jonathan Wells, whose new book The Politically Incorrect Guide to Darwinism and Intelligent Design contained so many egregious falsehoods that the scientific critics decided to shorten the phrase “pig ignorant” to simply “pignorant” in order to cope.

To see the rest of the awards (Ann Coulter won the “Judith Regan of Creationism” Awarrd), check out the New Mexicans for Science and Reason website.  

I cannot remember where i got these ( and the next ) from. I have saved them all in one big jumble in a file i call ‘religious jokes’. When i saw how few were on here, i thought i’d add my “collection” for all to enjoy and share the chuckles. OH, BTW, if anyone gets angry ‘cause they think i swiped a joke from them, let me know and i’ll delete it or better still, i’ll add the source…Ok.. here goes, enjoy!(‘8)’)

Yogi Goes to the Dentist…

Did you hear about the Hindu yogi who was having a filling put in a tooth? When the dentist asked him if he wanted novocaine, the yogi said, “No. I can transcend dental medication.”

Do Cats Go to Heaven?

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.”

The cats says, “Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.”

God says, “Say no more.” And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, “All our lives we’ve had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn’t have to run anymore.”

God says, “Say no more.” And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, “How are you doing? Are you happy here?”

The cat yawns and stretches and says, “Oh, I’ve never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you’ve been sending over are the best!”

——-
The Best Way to Pray

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby. “Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,” the priest said.

“No,” said the minister. “I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.”

“You’re both wrong,” the guru said. “The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.”

The repairman could contain himself no longer. “Hey, fellas,” he interrupted, “The best prayin’ I ever did was when I was hangin’ upside down from a telephone pole.”

——

Hymns for All Professions

Dentist’s Hymn: Crown Him with Many Crowns
Weatherman’s Hymn: There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
Contractor’s Hymn: The Church’s One Foundation
Tailor’s Hymn: Holy, Holy, Holy
Golfer’s Hymn: There’s a Green Hill Far Away
Politician’s Hymn: Standing on the Promises
Optometrist’s Hymn: Open My Eyes That I Might See
IRS Agent’s Hymn: I Surrender All
Gossip’s Hymn: Pass It On
Electrician’s Hymn: Send The Light
Shopper’s Hymn: Sweet By and By
Realtor’s Hymn: I’ve Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop
Massage Therapist’s Hymn: He Touched Me
Doctor’s Hymn: The Great Physician

——-
A Pious Old Man

A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue.

Alarmed by the old fellow’s absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, “How come after all these years we don’t see you at services anymore?“The old man lowered his voice. “I’ll tell you, Rabbi,” he whispered. “When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must’ve forgotten about me, and I don’t want to remind Him!”

——-

An Offering From the Bottom of My”.

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. “Mommy,” she said, “can we leave now?”

“No,” her mother replied.

“Well, I think I have to throw up!” exclaimed the girl.

“Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush,” said her mother.

After about sixty seconds, the little girl returned to her seat. “Did you throw up?” her mother asked.

“Yes,” the little girl replied.

“How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?” her mother asked.

“I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, ‘For the Sick.’”

——-

Poor Attendance

Preacher: “How come I never see you in church anymore, Morris?”

Morris: “There are too many hypocrites there, Reverend.”

Preacher: “Don’t worry, Morris; there’s always room for one more.”

——
Belly Buttons Explained

Q: How do babies get their belly buttons?

A: When God finishes making little babies, He lines them all up in a row. Then he walks along in front of them. He pokes each one in the tummy with his finger and says, “You’re done"you’re done"you’re done”“

——
Finding Jesus

An old drunk stumbles across a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister notices the old drunk and says, “Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?”

The drunk looks back and says, “Yes, preacher, I sure am.”

The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.

“Have you found Jesus?” the preacher asks.“Nooo, I didn’t!” said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up, and says, “Now, brother, have you found Jesus?”

“Noooo, I have not, Reverend.”

The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone, “My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?”

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”
——-

Paper-Eating Dog

A minister delivered a sermon in 10 minutes one Sunday morning, which was about half the usual length of his sermons. He explained, “I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning.“After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher and said, “Reverend, if that dog of yours has any pups, I want to give one to my minister.”
———

Why’re You Always Telling Jokes About Jews?

Two men sitting on a train are talking. One guy says, “Did you hear the one about the two Jews who are walking down the street…”

The other guy says, “Hold it! Why are you always telling jokes about Jews? I find it offensive. Why must they always be about Jews?”

“You’re right,” his friend replies and starts the joke again: “So, these two Chinese guys are walking down the street on the way to their nephew’s bar mitzvah…”

——-
Nuns at the Hospital

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had bypass surgery. He awakened to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked how he was going to pay the bill. He replied, in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.He replied, “No money in the bank.”

The nun asked, “Do you have a relative who could help you?”

He said, “Just a spinster sister, who is a nun.”

The nun, slightly perturbed, said, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”

The patient replied, “Then send the bill to my brother-in-law.”

——-

Drunk Driving

A priest is driving down to New York to see a show, and he’s stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath, sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and asks, “Sir, have you been drinking?”

The minister replies, “Just water.”

The trooper asks, “Then, why do I smell wine?”

The minister looks down at the bottle and exclaims, “Good Lord, He’s done it again!”

——-

Muldoon Mourns his Mutt

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day, the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and said, “Father, my dog is dead. Could ya’ be sayin’ a mass for the poor creature?”

Father Patrick replied, “I’m afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there is a new denomination down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.“Muldoon said, “I’ll go right away Father. Do ya’ think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?”

Father Patrick exclaimed, “Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya’ tell me the dog was Catholic?”

——-
Calling It a Day

God: “Whew, I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on earth.”

Angel: “Oh yeah? What are you going to do now?”

God: “I think I’ll call it a day.”

——-
Is That Too Much To Ask?

Sarah’s grandson is playing in the water, while she is standing on the beach not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly over the spot where the boy is in the ocean. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. He simply vanished.

Sarah holds her hands to the sky and cries, “God, how could you? Have I not been a wonderful mother and grandmother? Have I not given to B’nai Brith and Haddasah? Have I not tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?”

Just then, another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there, smiling, splashing around as if nothing had happened.

A loud voice booms from the sky, “I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?”

Sarah responds, “Well…he WAS wearing a hat.”
———

Odd Rabbi Out

These four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual “3 to 1, majority rules” statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.

“Oh, God!” he cried. “I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!”

It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. “A sign from God! See, I’m right, I knew it!” But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.

So the rabbi prayed again: “Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!” This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.“I told you I was right!” cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.

The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a VERY big sign, but just as he said, “Oh God…,” the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, “HEEEEEEEE’S RIIIIIIIGHT!”

The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, “Well?”

“So,” shrugged one of the other rabbis, “now it’s 3 to 2.”

——-
Match Made in Heaven

A young couple were driving down the road one day, happily, deliriously in love and due to be married the next day. Suddenly, a large truck swerved from the oncoming lanes into their car! BOOM! And they both died.

At the Pearly Gates, the young couple confronted St. Peter. “Sir, you have to help us! We were to be married tomorrow. Is there any way we can be married in Heaven?”

“Hmmm,” replied St. Peter, “I don’t recall there ever being a marriage in Heaven. Well, let’s take it up with God and see what he says.”

So they approached God with their plea. God sat for a moment, pondering the request. Then he looked down and said, “Come back in five years and ask me again.”

Five years later, the couple approached God again, even more in love than ever and pleading that he allow their marriage. God paused for quite a while, musing over their request. Then he spoke, “Come back in five years and ask me again.”

And once again, five years later, the couple was again in the presence of God, more in love than ever and begging God’s permission for the third time to marry. This time God smiled broadly and thundered, “Yes my children, you may marry!”

Well, the wedding went off beautifully, the reception was huge, everyone thought the bride was simply breathtaking and the groom was soooo handsome, and everyone was happy! Until…

Two years later, the couple was back before God, and things were not looking so good. The couple had come to the realization almost immediately that although marriages were made in heaven, they didn’t last very long there! And, in spite of their struggles to come to terms with the situation, they had decided there simply was no alternative but to get a divorce.

Black clouds fractured by lightening rolled across the sky, and the ground shook with explosive thunder. God glared down at the tiny couple before him, his face becoming dark and angry, and he roared, “Divorce?! Impossible!!! It took us TEN years just to find a priest in Heaven! Do you have any idea how long it will take to find a LAWYER?!!”

——-

What I Learned From Noah

Everything I need to know, I learned from Noah’s Ark…

ONE: Don’t miss the boat.

TWO: Remember that we are all in the same boat.

THREE: Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the Ark.

FOUR: Stay fit. When you’re 60 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.

FIVE: Don’t listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.

SIX: Build your future on high ground.

SEVEN: For safety’s sake, travel in pairs.

EIGHT: Speed isn’t always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.

NINE: When you’re stressed, float awhile.

TEN: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.

—-
The Pope vs. Moishe

About a century or two ago, the Pope challenged the Jewish community of Rome to a debate.

The Jews looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the rules of debate. Not being used to saying very much, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, “I give up. This man is too good. The Jews win.”

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger, to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?”

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible. “What happened?” they asked.

“Well,” said Moishe, “first he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.”

“And then?” asked a woman.

“I don’t know,” said Moishe. “He took out his lunch and I took out mine.”

——

Atheist in Trouble

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, “Oh, my God! Help me!”

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, “I thought you didn’t believe in Me!”

“Come on God, give me a break!!” the man pleaded. “Two minutes ago I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness monster either!”

——-

Ohmmmemployment

Two men meet on the street. One asks the other: “Hi, how are you?”

The other replies: “I’m fine, thanks.”

“And how’s your son? Is he still unemployed?”

“Yes, he is. But he is meditating now.”

“Meditating? What’s that?”

“I don’t know. But it’s better than sitting around and doing nothing!”

——

The Healing Touch of Christ

Three guys were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, “Jesus, I’ve suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Viet Nam war. Could you help me?”

“Of course my son,” Jesus said. When Jesus touched the man’s back, the man felt relief for the first time in years.The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man’s glasses and tossed them in the lake. When the glasses hit the water, the man’s eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

When Jesus turned to heal the third man, the guy put his hands up and cried defensively, “Don’t touch me! I’m on long-term disability.”

——-

Q: Why was Adam a famous runner?

A: Because he was first in the human race.

Don’t Wake your Neighbors!

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, “Religion?” The man says, “Methodist.” St. Peter looks down his list, and says, “Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.”

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. “Religion?” “Baptist.” “Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.“A third man arrives at the gates. “Religion?” “Jewish.” “Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.”

The man says, “I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?”

St. Peter tells him, “Well the Catholics are in room 8, and they think they’re the only ones here.”
—————

The Million Dollar Question for God

A poor man walking in the forest feels close enough to God to ask, “God, what is a million years to you?”

God replies, “My son, a million years to you is like a second to me.”

The man asks, “God, what is a million dollars to you?“God replies, “My son, a million dollars to you is less than a penny to me. It means almost nothing to me.”

The man asks, “So God, can I have a million dollars?”

And God replies, “In a second.”
—————

No-Parking Zone

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: “I have circled the block 10 times. If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES.”

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note: “I’ve circled this block for 10 years. If I don’t give you a ticket, I’ll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION.”
———————-

Turbulent Times

A plane hit a patch of severe turbulence and the passengers were holding on tight as it rocked and reeled through the night. A little old lady turned to a minister who was sitting behind her and said, “You’re a man of God. Can’t you do something about this?”

He replied, “Sorry, I can’t. I’m in sales, not management.”

———————
The Maine Man

Some friends were on vacation in Maine, and while watching fireworks heard their small son say, “Oh, God!” The father quickly cautioned his son, “Please don’t speak the Lord’s name in vain.” The boy nodded but obviously mis-heard, because he asked quietly, “Is it OK if I speak his name back in Minnesota?”
——————

Knock Knock…

Q: HOW MANY ZEN BUDDHISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?

A: Three. One to change the lightbulb, one NOT to change the lightbulb, and one to neither change nor not change the lightbulb.

—————

10 Things You Never Hear in Church

1. Hey! It’s my turn to sit in the front pew!

2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.

3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.

4. I’ve decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.

5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.

6. Forget the denominational minimum salary. Let’s pay our pastor so he can live like we do.

7. I love it when we sing hymns I’ve never heard before!

8. Since we’re all here, let’s start the service early.

9. Pastor, we’d like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.

10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!

—————-

Calling the Last Rites

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. “A priest! Somebody get me a priest!” the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd but finds no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

“A PRIEST, PLEASE!” the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age. “Mr. Policeman,” says the man, “I’m not a priest. I’m not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I’m living behind St. Mary’s Catholic Church on Third Avenue, and every night I’m listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man.”

The policeman agrees and brings the octogenarian over to the dying man. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice: “B - 4. I - 19. N - 38. G - 54. O - 72.”

———————-

I Know What the Bible Means

A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, “I know what the Bible means!” His father smiled and replied, “What do you mean, you ‘know’ what the Bible means?” The son replied, “I do know!”

“Okay,” said his father. “So, son, what does the Bible mean?”

“That’s easy, Daddy. It stands for ‘Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.’”

—————

Fear of Flying

There was a religious woman who had to do a lot of traveling for her business. Flying made her very nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her.

One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to what he was doing.

After awhile, he turned to her and asked, “You don’t really believe all that stuff in there do you?”

The woman replied, “Of course I do. It is the Bible.”

He said, “Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?”

She replied, “Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible.”

He asked, “Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?”

The woman said, “Well, I don’t really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him.”

“What if he isn’t in heaven?” the man asked sarcastically.

“Then you can ask him,” replied the woman.

——————-

Afraid of the Dark

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.

The little boy turned to his mother and said, “Mama, I don’t want to go out there. It’s dark.”

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. “You don’t have to be afraid of the dark,” she explained. “Jesus is out there. He’ll look after you and protect you.” The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, “Are you sure he’s out there?”

“Yes, I’m sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him,” she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, “Jesus? If you’re out there, would you please hand me the broom?”

—————-

A Priest’s Job Promotion

A Catholic priest and a rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotions.

“What do you have to look forward to in terms of being promoted?” asked the rabbi.

“Well, I’m next in line for the Monsignor’s job,” replied the priest.

“Yes, and then what?” asked the rabbi.

“Well, next I can become a bishop.”

“Yes, and then?”

“If I work real hard and do a good job as bishop, it’s possible for me to become an archbishop.” “OK, then what?”

Exasperated, the priest replied, “With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a cardinal.”

“And then?”

Growing angry, the priest responded, “Well, with lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work, if I’m in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope.”

“Yes, and then what?”

“Good grief!” shouted the priest. “What do you expect me to become, GOD?”

“Well,” responded the rabbi, “One of our boys made it!”

——————

HOLY DRIVER
The Holy Father was making one of his papal visits to the United States. Arriving at the airport, he had a chauffer driven limousine waiting for him. Out of curiosity, the pope asked the limo driver if he could drive. Being who he was, the limo driver honored his request and helped him into the drivers seat. As the pope was speeding down the expressway, he looked in his rear view mirror to see a police car with its lights flashing behind him with the officer in the car motioning for him to pull over. The pope obediently pulled off to the side of the road and waited for the officer to approach the car. When he looked in the vehicle the police officer exclaimed, “oh no!”. He got on his 2 way radio and contacted the chief of police. “I just pulled over a very important man.” said the officer. The police chief asked, “Is it the president?” to which the officer said “no.” Then the police chief asked, “Is it the governor?” to which the police officer again said “no.” The police chief could feel himself getting frustrated and yelled, “then who the heck is it?” The officer answered “I don’t know, but he’s got the pope for a chauffer!”

————-

Bill Gates arrives before St. Peter, who is obviously excited for him to be there. “Welcome, Mr. Gates!”, he says, “since you’re such a notable and famous charachter, my boss has authorized me to let you choose your own eternity.”
Gates smiles. “Well, yes, that is only right”, he tells St. Peter.
Peter leads him to what appears to be a peaceful park in a city. Some old men are playing chess on a bench, there are mothers playing with their young children in a playground, and older kids have a touch football game going on. “Okay, not bad”, Gates says, “how about my other choice?”
Peter leads him to a beach, where there is a volleyball game going on, a keg of beer and the most beautiful women he has ever seen in the skimpiest of bikinis. “That settles it”, Gates says. “This is what I want”. Peter says “OK”, and Gates is sucked into a fiery vortex, amidst the laughter of demons. As Gates disappears into the fiery pit, he yells at St. Peter “What about the beach? What about the babes?”
St. Peter says “Bill, that was the demo”.

————-

The doctor told him he was going to die, and he thought about all the things he had accomplished in life. He was a wealthy man who had worked very hard to obtain what he had accumulated, but he was also a godly man who worked as hard for Adonai as for himself. He also gave much to the poor and to his congregation, and he was known in his community to be one to whom any could go for advice, a loan, even a kind word.

But he was dying. He knew that it was not quite kosher, but he asked the angel of death if he could please bring some of the wealth he had accumulated with him, for he had worked hard for it. The angel told him that it had never been done before, but he would see what he could do, since he was the most righteous man he had known in centuries.

Finally, the angel came back and told him, “Adonai has granted you permission, but you may bring only what you can pack in one suitcase.”

So the man found the largest of his suitcases. He packed it and let the angel know that he was ready. And he died.

At the pearly gates, St. Peter saw him coming. “Ho there! You cannot bring anything up here from the earth!” he said. The man explained that he had special permission.

St. Peter replied, “This is highly irregular! I will have to ask the Boss.”

Peter came back momentarily, and he said, “The Boss says that you may bring it in, but I have to inspect it first.”

The man opened the suitcase, and St. Peter looked inside. It was jam-packed with bright, shining gold bouillon! St. Peter stood back with a puzzled look on his face. “I guess you can take it in,” he said, “but why do you want to bring in street pavement?”

————
Jesus is walking through heaven one day, a little bored, when he passes the Pearly Gates and sees St. Peter talking with an elderly gentleman and decides to go over and hear the man’s tale.
“Where are you from, old man?” Jesus asks.
“Well, I lived my life on the shores of the Mediterranean,” the old man replies.
“Hmmm. I spent some time there myself,” says Jesus. “What did you do for a living?”
“Well, I was a poor carpenter,” says the old man.
“Wow. So was I,” says Jesus.
“And I had a son,” says the old man. “Well, he wasn’t my son really, but a miraculous spirit came into him and he became a very famous person.”
Jesus can’t hold back any longer. “Father!” he cries.
The old man falls into Jesus’ outstretched arms. “Pinocchio!”
—————

When Marilyn Monroe died, she was met by St. Peter.
“Okay, St. Peter said, “so you’re Marilyn Monroe. Welcome to our place. Yonder is the Pearly Gate. To get there, you have to cross that bridge”.
The bridge which is 777 meters long is so narrow that only one person can walk on it. Below the bridge is the burning inferno with souls crying in agony and hideous creatures enjoying their sufferings.
“I want to warn you Miss Monroe”, St. Peter advised, “that only those who are pure in heart, thoughts and spirit can cross that bridge. So never, never for an instance think of any evil, sensual or bad thoughts. For once you do, you will fall to that hell and suffer eternal damnation. So go ahead and I’ll be right behind you.”
So Marilyn Monroe with her familiar gait carefully walked on the bridge with St. Peter following closely behind her.
Halfway on the bridge, St. Peter fell!

————-
There is this old Jewish man, and he is sitting on a bench in a park in Lenningrad, reading a book and talking to himself. Well the KGB being what they are, they notice this, and start to watch him.

They start to watch him, and see him come out of his building every day, sit in the same spot, open the book, and start talking. They begin to get suspicious. Is there something in the book like a radio transmitter? Is he secretly contacting someone? Is he signaling someone by where he sits down? The KGB begins to get really suspicious.

This goes on for about a month, but they never see anyone come over and talk to him, they don’t see any antenna’s in the book, they don’t pick up any radio signals. Now they are really confused. So the KGB guy goes over to the old man one day and sits down on the bench with him.

“Old man.” He says “I am KGB Major Alexi Rotokovski and I want to know what you are doing here.”

“Well major, I am reading my book. I am an old Jewish man and I am studying Hebrew.”

“HEBREW!” exclaims the KGB Major “Old man, do you really think you have any chance of ever getting to Israel? Do you really think we would let you go?”

“Oh no Major, I have no illusions about that. I am studying Hebrew because I am old, and I will die soon, and when I am taken up to the busom of Abraham, I want to be able to speak to Moses and David, and Abraham in their own language.”

“Silly Jew!” cries the Major “You believe that?! Ha! What if instead of Heaven you are sent to the other place? What will you do for a language then?” he asks.

“Ah!” replies the old man “Russian, I allready know!”
————

In a certain community, it just so happens that the local pastor and the local rabbi die on the same day. Both approach the Gates of Heaven to enter into their respective rewards.

Pastor Green is given a hard wooden chair and a tuna sandwich and told to wait until his mansion is made ready. As the good Pastor sits down to eat, he sees Rabbi Horowitz go by on a golden throne held aloft by angels while he is eating a sumptuous dinner. The angels are bearing the rabbi to a magnificent mansion.

Pastor Green throws his sandwich down in disgust and approaches St. Peter.

“I don’t mean to complain here, ” Green says, “But I’ve served the Lord all my life, been a Christian since the age of six and have preached the Gospel since I was 20. I don’t ask for much, but I expected a better reward than a hard chair, a tuna sandwich and an unfinished mansion. How come this Jew gets so much?”

“Well, that’s Rabbi Horowitz,” Pete replies.

“I KNOW who he is!!”

“Yes,” Peter answers, “But did you know he’s a relative of the boss?”

———

Three nuns die on the same day and are now all standing at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter says to the three of them, “In order to get into Heaven, each of you must answer one question correctly, got it?”

The three nuns nod and the first one steps up. “Okay, I’m ready,” she says.

St. Peter pulls out an index card and reads, “Who was the first man on Earth?”

“Adam!” the first nun says automatically. Suddenly, the gates opened, lights flashed, and the nun went into Heaven.

The second nun steps up. St. Peter goes to the next index card. “Who was the first woman on Earth?” he asks.

“Eve!” the second nun says automatically. Suddenly, the gates opened, lights flashed, and she went into Heaven.

Then the third and last nun steps up. St. Peter goes to the last index card. “What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?”

The nun says, “Hmm… that’s a hard one.”

The gates opened, lights flashed, and she went into Heaven.

———
Three surgeons die in a car crash, and end up at the pearly gates, at the tail end of a long line of folks waiting to get in.

Now, this gets them somewhat impatient, so one of them marches up to the head of the line and addresses St Peter: “Look, me and my friends here, we’re doctors. Surgeons. We saved hundreds if not thousands of lives during our work. Surely we shouldn’t have to wait in line like everyone else.”

St Peter shakes his head, and sends the man back to the end of the queue. One by one his companions try the same thing - only to return, shaking their heads.

Then along walks a guy in a white coat, stethascope round his neck, waltzes straight past all the people waiting, and walks right on into Heaven.

Now, this is too much. All three surgeons converge onto Saint Peter. “Hey! You wouldn’t let us in! So how come that guy there got to walk straight in?”

St Peter smiles. “Oh”, he replies. “That’s God. He just likes to pretend he’s a doctor.”

—————-

A Pagan died and, much to her surprise, found herself at the Pearly Gates facing St. Peter. He walked up to her and said, “Hello, and welcome.

She stared at St. Peter in complete confusion. “Wait a minute,” she said. “I was supposed to end up in the Summerlands.”

He smiled. “Ah, you must be one of our Pagan sisters. Follow me, please.”

Peter gestured for her to follow him down a small path which went through the gates and down a bit to the left. They walked for a short while, then he stepped back and gestured her forward. Looking past his hand, she saw the verdant fields and forests of her desired Summerlands. She saw people feasting, dancing, and making merry, exactly as she expected.

While shaking her head in wonder, the Pagan happened to glance over to one side and saw a small group of people a short way away from the edge of the Summerlands. The people in the group were watching the revelers, but not joining them. Instead, they were screaming and weeping piteously. The Pagan looked at St. Peter. “Who are those people? St. Peter replied,

“Them? They’re Fundamentalists. They’re a bit surprised to see you all there, so they stand there and carry on like that all day.”

“Why? Don’t they have better things to do?”

Peter leaned conspiratorially toward her. “They don’t really have a choice. They’re actually in Hell. God doesn’t like being told what He thinks.”

————
Q: How do you make God laugh?

A: Plan your day.

———-

A contractor dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the Angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.

Just when he thinks things can’t possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologises for not greeting him personally at the pearly gates, shakes his hand and says “Congratulations son, we’ve been waiting a long time for you ”

Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the contractor sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says “Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don’t remember doing anything really special when I was alive.”

“Congratulations for what?” says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man’s modesty. “We’re celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!” The contractor is awe-struck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth agape. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says “Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty.”

“That’s simply impossible son,” says Saint Peter - ” We’ve added up your time sheets.”
————-

Lost on a rainy Friday night, a priest stumbles into a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, he’s just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips he’s ever had.
After dinner, he goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. He is met by two brothers, “Hello, I’m Brother Michael, and this is Brother Francis.”
“I’m very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I’ve ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?”
Brother Charles replied, “Well, I’m the fish friar.”
Father turns to the other brother and says, “Then you must be….”
“Yes, I’m afraid I’m the chip monk…”

————
A priest and a rabbi are involved in a head-on collision at 70 mph. Their cars are completely totalled, but the two men awake under a beam of sunlight on a soft patch of grass beside their vehicles. Miraculously, both men are completely unhurt. Alive with excitement at the miracle they have lived through, the two men embrace excitedly and start praising God at the top of their lungs.

“This must be a sign!” says the rabbi to the priest. “Our cars, which serve to keep us safe and separated from each other, have become merged in the crash.”

“Yes”, continues the priest, “while the occupants have escaped without a single scratch! God must be telling us to bring our faiths together, to put aside our petty human bickering.”

“My friend”, says the rabbi, “we must find some way to celebrate this momentous event!”

The two men walk to the trunks of their cars. The rabbi opens his and finds a loaf of unleavened bread, which had also somehow survived the crash unharmed. The priest finds in his trunk an undamaged bottle of wine.

Returning to the patch of grass, the rabbi breaks his loaf in half, eats one half and offers the other half to the priest, who eats it. Then the priest opens his bottle of wine, drinks half of it, and hands it to the rabbi. But the rabbi, rather than drinking the wine, smilingly replaces the cork in the bottle and places it back in the priest’s car.

“What’s the matter?” asks the priest. “Don’t you drink?”

“No”, says the rabbi, “I’m just waiting for the cops.”

————
Shhhh!

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”

Annie replied, “Because people are sleeping.”

The Haircut

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut and we’ll talk about it.” After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father’s study where his father said, “Son, I’ve been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied your Bible diligently, but you didn’t get your hair cut!”

The young man waited a moment and replied, “You know Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair….”

To which his father replied, “Yes, and they walked everywhere they went!”

No Male Pallbearers

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, “They wouldn’t take me out while I was alive, I don’t want them to take me out when I’m dead.”

A Synagogue’s Custom
A young scholar from New York was invited to become Rabbi in a small old community in Chicago. On his very first Shabbat, a hot debate erupted as to whether one should or should not stand during the reading of the Ten Commandments.
The next day, the rabbi visited 98 year-old Mr. Katz in the nursing home. “Mr. Katz, I’m asking you, as the oldest member of the community,” said the rabbi, “what is our synagogue’s custom during the reading of the Ten Commandments?”
“Why do you ask?” “Yesterday we read the Ten Commandments. Some people stood, some people sat. The ones standing started screaming at the ones sitting, telling them to stand up. The ones sitting started screaming at the ones standing, telling them to sit down… ”
“That,” said the old man, “is our custom.”

deleted by the author

In the early days of printing, books (including Bibles) would often contain typesetting errors.  The so-called Youdeman Bible has several such mistakes, and is so named for a particularly bizarre one in the book of Luke, which has puzzled theologians for centuries:

Luke 2:13 And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly hosts, praising God and saying. “Youdeman!  Das whut I’m tawkin bout!  Whassup, Dawg?”

Other excerpts from the Youdeman Bible:

Genesis 3:7 And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked, and they made themselves aprons.  8 And Eve said unto Adam, “Does this fig leaf make me look fat?”

Genesis 4:9 And the Lord said unto Cain, “Where is Abel thy brother?”  And he said, “Well you see Lord, there was this one-armed man, and he…”

Exodus 2:4 And the Lord called to Moses from out of the burning bush and said, “Put off thy shoes from off thy feet, for the place thou standest is holy ground.”  5 And Moses did put off his shoes, and did burn his naked feet on the heated rocks.  6 And the Lord said, “Gotcha!”

I Samuel 14:37 And Saul asked counsel of God.  Shall I go down after the Philistines?  And God said, “Do I look like a mind reader?  Do not bother me.  I am trying to take a bath, here.”

Mark 16:14 Afterward Jesus appeared unto the eleven as they sat at meat, and upbraided them with their unbelief, saying, “Where’s mine, dudes?”

[Note:  I hope the non-standard English didn’t confuse our international friends.  I got the idea for this joke from Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett’s hilarious novel Good Omens, where they mention a “Buggre Alle This” Bible.  Often you can just open the Bible at random and find a verse to lampoon, but I have to admit the results are rather lame more often than not.  The above are only the six funniest ones that I’ve come up with.  I wonder if anyone else has verses they can contribute to the “Youdeman Bible”?]

ROFLMBO!  Where can a get a copy of that Bible, Advocatus?