It was time for Father John’s Saturday night bath. A young nun, Sister Magdalene, prepared the bath water and towels as instructed by one of the older nuns. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at father John’s nakedness if she could help it and to do whatever he told her to do.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. “Oh, Sister,” said the young nun dreamily, “I’ve been saved.”
“Saved? And how did this fine thing come about?” asked the old nun.
“Well, when father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him and while I was washing him, he guided my hand between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.”
“Did he now?” said the old nun.
Sister Magdalene continued, “And father John said that if the Key to Heaven fits my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of Salvation and eternal peace. And then father John guided his Key to Heaven into my Lock.”
Is that a fact?” said the old nun.
“At first it hurt terribly, but father John said the pathway to Salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with Ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.”
That wicked old Devil,” said the old nun. “He told me it was Gabriel’s Horn, and I’ve been blowing it for 40 years!”
The altar boy
“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.”
The Priest asks, “Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?”
“Yes, Father, it is.”
“And who was the girl you were with?”
“I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”
“Well,Johnny, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?”
“I can not say.”
“Was it Teresa Volpe?”
“I’ll never tell.”
“Was it Nina Capelli?”
“I’m sorry, but I can not name her.”
“Was it Kathy Piriano?”
“My lips are sealed.”
“Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?”
“Please, Father. I can not tell you.”
The Priest sighs in frustration. “You’re very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. But you have sinned and have to atone. You can not be an altar boy now for four months. Now, you go and behave yourself.”
Johnny walks back to his pew and his friend Nino slides over and whispers,“What did you get?”
“Four months vacation and five good leads.”
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.
After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.
“Well, sister, this looks pretty grim.”
“I know, father.”
“In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.”
“I agree”, says the Father, “Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would yo u do something for me?”
“I have never seen a woman’s breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.”
“Well, under the circumstances I don’t see that it would do any harm.”
The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
“Sister, would you mind if I touched them? She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
“Father, could I ask something of you?”
“I have never seen a man’s penis. Could I see yours?”
“I suppose that would be OK,” the priest replied lifting his robe.
“Oh Father, may I touch it?” The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
“Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.”
“Is that true father?”
“Yes, it is, Sister.”
“Oh Father that’s wonderful, stick it in the camel and let’s get the hell out of here.”
Two bees ran into each other. The first bee asked the other how things were going.
“Really bad,” said the second bee. “The weather has been really wet and damp and there aren’t any flowers or pollen, so I can’t make any honey.”
“No problem,” said the first bee. “Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There’s a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fruit.”
“Thanks for the tip,” said the second bee, and he flew away.
A few hours later, the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, “How’d it go?”“Great!” said the second bee. “It was everything you said it would be.”
“Uh, what’s that thing on your head?” asked the first bee.
“That’s my yarmulke,” said the second bee. “I didn’t want them to think I was a wasp.”