3 of 6
3
Religious jokes
Posted: 02 May 2007 03:48 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 31 ]
Sr. Member
RankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRank
Total Posts:  908
Joined  2005-01-14

Surviving copies of the Youdaman Bible are extremely rare, and I only know of it from heresay.  In fact, since making that post, I have received an e-mail from an anonymous Rare Book collector, informing me that his copy contains additional “corrections” written in the margins.  For example:

Genesis 3:7 And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked, and they made themselves aprons.  8 And Eve said unto Adam, “Does this fig leaf make me look fat?”

And Adam, being distracted by a pair of enormous ripe melons belonging to Eve, said, “What fig leaf?”  And Adam did spend that night sleeping by himself on the cold, hard ground.

Profile
 
 
Posted: 29 May 2007 10:28 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 32 ]
Sr. Member
RankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRank
Total Posts:  908
Joined  2005-01-14

In celebration of 20 years as a minister, a church sent their pastor and his wife on a cheap Caribbean cruise.  On about day nine, the ship accidentally ran aground on a reef, and the captain had the passengers put on their life jackets just in case.  One of the passengers got a little panicy.  “Didn’t you say you were a minister?” he said.  “Don’t just stand there, do something religious!”  So the pastor took up a collection.

Profile
 
 
Posted: 21 June 2007 10:31 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 33 ]
Sr. Member
Avatar
RankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRank
Total Posts:  1064
Joined  2007-06-20

Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day.  But a mix up in the afterlife paperwork sends them each to the wrong places: the Pope goes to Hell and Clinton goes to Heaven.  Just five minutes pass before the mistake is discovered.  But as soon as it is discovered, the powers-that-be fix everything and the Pope gets on the escalator to go to Heaven and Clinton gets on the other escalator to go to Hell. As they pass each other on the way Clinton says, “How bad is it down there?” The Pope says, “Pretty bad.  Hot and noisy.  But I sure am glad to be going up to Heaven so I can meet the Virgin Mary.”  Clinton grins and says,  “Too late.”

 Signature 

There are more instances of the abridgement of the freedom of the people by the gradual and silent encroachment of those in power, than by violent and sudden usurpation.

—James Madison

Profile
 
 
Posted: 23 June 2007 10:07 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 34 ]
Jr. Member
Avatar
RankRank
Total Posts:  27
Joined  2007-04-14

It was time for Father John’s Saturday night bath. A young nun, Sister Magdalene, prepared the bath water and towels as instructed by one of the older nuns. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at father John’s nakedness if she could help it and to do whatever he told her to do.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. “Oh, Sister,” said the young nun dreamily, “I’ve been saved.”

“Saved? And how did this fine thing come about?” asked the old nun.
“Well, when father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him and while I was washing him, he guided my hand between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.”

“Did he now?” said the old nun.
Sister Magdalene continued, “And father John said that if the Key to Heaven fits my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of Salvation and eternal peace. And then father John guided his Key to Heaven into my Lock.”
Is that a fact?” said the old nun.

“At first it hurt terribly, but father John said the pathway to Salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with Ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.”

That wicked old Devil,” said the old nun. “He told me it was Gabriel’s Horn, and I’ve been blowing it for 40 years!”


———————-
The altar boy
“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.”
The Priest asks, “Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?”
“Yes, Father, it is.”
“And who was the girl you were with?”
“I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”
“Well,Johnny, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?”
“I can not say.”
“Was it Teresa Volpe?”
“I’ll never tell.”
“Was it Nina Capelli?”
“I’m sorry, but I can not name her.”
“Was it Kathy Piriano?”
“My lips are sealed.”
“Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?”
“Please, Father. I can not tell you.”
The Priest sighs in frustration. “You’re very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. But you have sinned and have to atone. You can not be an altar boy now for four months. Now, you go and behave yourself.”
Johnny walks back to his pew and his friend Nino slides over and whispers,“What did you get?”
“Four months vacation and five good leads.”

——————
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.
After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

“Well, sister, this looks pretty grim.”
“I know, father.”
“In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.”
“I agree”, says the Father, “Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would yo u do something for me?”
“Anything, Father.”
“I have never seen a woman’s breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.”
“Well, under the circumstances I don’t see that it would do any harm.”
The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
“Sister, would you mind if I touched them? She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
“Father, could I ask something of you?”
“Yes, Sister?”
“I have never seen a man’s penis. Could I see yours?”
“I suppose that would be OK,” the priest replied lifting his robe.
“Oh Father, may I touch it?” The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
“Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.”
“Is that true father?”
“Yes, it is, Sister.”
“Oh Father that’s wonderful, stick it in the camel and let’s get the hell out of here.”
—————-
Bee Inconspicuous

Two bees ran into each other. The first bee asked the other how things were going.

“Really bad,” said the second bee. “The weather has been really wet and damp and there aren’t any flowers or pollen, so I can’t make any honey.”

“No problem,” said the first bee. “Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There’s a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fruit.”

“Thanks for the tip,” said the second bee, and he flew away.

A few hours later, the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, “How’d it go?”“Great!” said the second bee. “It was everything you said it would be.”

“Uh, what’s that thing on your head?” asked the first bee.

“That’s my yarmulke,” said the second bee. “I didn’t want them to think I was a wasp.”

————

[ Edited: 23 June 2007 10:14 AM by fragen ]
Profile
 
 
Posted: 23 June 2007 10:16 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 35 ]
Jr. Member
Avatar
RankRank
Total Posts:  27
Joined  2007-04-14

PURPORTEDLY FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST ON THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS:


1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH’S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

Profile
 
 
Posted: 12 July 2007 01:57 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 36 ]
Sr. Member
Avatar
RankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRank
Total Posts:  9284
Joined  2006-08-29

Some time ago my kids wanted to know how Jesus died on the cross (kids do ask very unexpected questions) and I told them that a person attached to a cross would after some time become weak, drop his head, and suffocate (is this true?). A few days ago my wife was in the car with my kids, when the younger one suddenly fell asleep in his car seat, lowering the head to his chest. My older son immediately tried to wake him up screaming: “Wake up, wake up, or you’ll die like Jesus.”

Profile
 
 
Posted: 13 July 2007 02:02 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 37 ]
Moderator
RankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRank
Total Posts:  5508
Joined  2006-10-22

I would imagine the bleeding from the wounds in both wrists and feet would contribute, and I believe the soldiers did quite a bit of slicing of the victims which would also drain blood so that’s probably how he and his two companions on adjacent crosses died.

Occam

Profile
 
 
Posted: 13 July 2007 09:48 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 38 ]
Sr. Member
Avatar
RankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRank
Total Posts:  9284
Joined  2006-08-29

I just think it would be “more effective” to let the person die by suffocation as opposed to bleeding to death. My brother-in-law teaches history and specializes in “torture”. I’ll check with him next month when he comes to visit from Montreal.

Profile
 
 
Posted: 18 July 2007 02:03 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 39 ]
Sr. Member
Avatar
RankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRank
Total Posts:  9284
Joined  2006-08-29

Today my wife took the kids to the ZOO. She just called to tell me that our younger son (4) is standing in front of an orang-utan’s cage and doesn’t want to leave until he sees him to evolve into a human. Poor kids. If you’ve ever watched Pokemon, you’ll understand…

Profile
 
 
Posted: 18 July 2007 04:04 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 40 ]
Sr. Member
Avatar
RankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRank
Total Posts:  672
Joined  2007-06-17
George - 13 July 2007 09:48 AM

I just think it would be “more effective” to let the person die by suffocation as opposed to bleeding to death. My brother-in-law teaches history and specializes in “torture”.

One of which is a job and the other is a hobby.

 Signature 

http://web.mac.com/normsherman/iWeb/Site/Podcast/833F918B-485B-42F4-B18C-4AB1436D9B87.html

Profile
 
 
Posted: 18 July 2007 04:19 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 41 ]
Sr. Member
Avatar
RankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRank
Total Posts:  9284
Joined  2006-08-29
narwhol - 18 July 2007 04:04 PM
George - 13 July 2007 09:48 AM

My brother-in-law teaches history and specializes in “torture”.

One of which is a job and the other is a hobby.

LOL  LOL
Believe it or not, he does teach ABOUT the torturing of the eighteenth and nineteenth century in France. How on earth he makes a living on it beats me…

Profile
 
 
Posted: 18 July 2007 04:41 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 42 ]
Moderator
Avatar
RankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRank
Total Posts:  4052
Joined  2006-11-28

HERE is a link to an article in the Journal of the American Medical Association ont he physical causes of Jesus’ death. I remeber when this came out thinking how bizarre it was that a major American association of doctors would print something like this, but I’ve since come to understand it as another example of the infiltrative nature of Christianity of the thought of even educated, rational people. It reminds me of the articles I and other Tolkien geeks used to write on the Natural History of Middle Earth and such stuff. But at least we knew it was fiction.

 Signature 

The SkeptVet
The SkeptVet Blog
Militant Agnostic: I don’t know, and neither do you!

Profile
 
 
Posted: 18 July 2007 04:45 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 43 ]
Sr. Member
Avatar
RankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRank
Total Posts:  9284
Joined  2006-08-29

Thanks, Brennen. I am sure my kids will enjoy this. :grin:

Profile
 
 
Posted: 24 July 2007 03:52 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 44 ]
Moderator
RankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRank
Total Posts:  5508
Joined  2006-10-22

Jesus and John were heading for a group of people waiting for their sermon on the other side of the river.  Jesus took John’s hand and started across the water.  John said, “I’m sinking, Jesus.  I’m sinking.” 

“Step on the rocks, you idiot.”

Occam

Profile
 
 
Posted: 26 July 2007 03:37 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 45 ]
Moderator
Avatar
RankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRank
Total Posts:  7506
Joined  2007-03-02

ROFLMBO!  That was too funny, Occam.  You have more of those funnies?

 Signature 

Mriana
“Sometimes in order to see the light, you have to risk the dark.” ~ Iris Hineman (Lois Smith) The Minority Report

Profile
 
 
   
3 of 6
3