1 of 14
1
Heard any good jokes lately?
Posted: 06 August 2012 06:31 AM   [ Ignore ]
Sr. Member
Avatar
RankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRank
Total Posts:  1191
Joined  2011-08-01

A guy decides to call his wife at home to invite her to lunch. A strange woman answers.

“Who is this?” the man asks.

“I’m the maid,” the voice responds.

“Maid? We don’t have a maid!”

“Yes sir, the lady of the house hired me today.”

“Oh she did, did she? Well let me speak to her.”

“And who are you, sir?”

“I’m her husband! Where is my wife?”

Awkward pause.

“She’s… um… in the bedroom… with a man I assumed to be her husband.”

“What the… Look, you want to make an easy ten grand?”

“What do you want me to do sir?”

“In the desk drawer is a pistol. Take it and shoot that cheating bitch and her sleazy lover!”

There is a pause, two gunshots, and then the maid returns to the line.

“Sir, what should I do with the bodies?”

“I don’t care… just throw them in the pool!”

“Sir, you don’t have a pool.”

“Don’t have a pool? Of course we have a pool. Wait… is this 236-5871?”

Silence.

LOL

 Signature 

Free in Kentucky
—Humanist
“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”—Edith Sitwell

Profile
 
 
Posted: 06 August 2012 07:02 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 1 ]
Sr. Member
Avatar
RankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRank
Total Posts:  4849
Joined  2007-10-05

A farmer gets pulled over by a state trooper for speeding. The trooper lectures the farmer about his speed and generally throws his weight around to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper starts writing the ticket, and as he is doing so he keeps swatting at some flies circling his head.

Having trouble with the circle flies there, are ya?” the farmer says.

The trooper stops writing the ticket and says, “Well, yeah, if that’s what they are. I never heard of circle flies.”

So the farmer says, “Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found circling the back end of a horse.”

The trooper says, “Oh,” and goes back to writing the ticket. After a minute he stops and says, “Hey… wait a minute. Are you trying to call me a horse’s ass?”

“Oh no, officer,” says the farmer. “I have too much respect for law enforcement to even think about calling you a horse’s ass.”

“Well, that’s a good thing,” the trooper says, and goes back to writing the tickets.

After a long pause the farmer says, “Hard to fool them flies, though.”

 Signature 

You cannot have a rational conversation with someone who holds irrational beliefs.

Profile
 
 
Posted: 06 August 2012 09:25 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 2 ]
Sr. Member
RankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRank
Total Posts:  1406
Joined  2010-04-22

During my last trip, I was waiting in the airport and saw this dyslexic dude running back and forth frantically, tying himself up in metaphorical knots. It turned out that he was trying to find Untied Airlines.

 Signature 

“All musicians are subconsciously mathematicians.”

- Thelonious Monk

Profile
 
 
Posted: 06 August 2012 10:00 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 3 ]
Moderator
RankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRank
Total Posts:  5551
Joined  2010-06-16

A man went to his boss’s costume party with nothing on but a young woman on his back.

“So what the hell are you supposed to be?” the boss asked.

“I’m a snail.” The man replied.

“What a load of crap!” his boss spat. “How can you be a snail when all you’ve got is that young woman on your back?”

“You’ve got it wrong,” the man replied. “That’s Michelle.”
===
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “Why the delay?”

“The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” he explained.

“What was the problem?”

“It took us awhile to find a new pilot.”
===
A guy took a girl out on her first date. When they pulled off into a secluded area around midnight, and the girl said, “My mother told me to say no to everything.”

“Well,” he said, “do you mind if I put my arm around you?”

“No,” the girl replied.

“Do you mind if I put my other hand on your leg?”

“N-n-no,” the girl stammered.

The guy smiled and said, “Now we see the problem with commandments.”

Occam

[ Edited: 06 August 2012 10:07 AM by Occam. ]
 Signature 

Succinctness, clarity’s core.

Profile
 
 
Posted: 06 August 2012 10:11 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 4 ]
Sr. Member
RankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRank
Total Posts:  790
Joined  2012-04-25

What did Batman say to Robin before they jumped into the Batmobile?  “Robin, get in the batmobile”

How many elephants can sit in a car?  4

Profile
 
 
Posted: 06 August 2012 10:20 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 5 ]
Sr. Member
Avatar
RankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRank
Total Posts:  1191
Joined  2011-08-01

A guy dies and is in despair, finding himself in the bowels of hell.

“Hey guy, ” says a friendly voice nearby, “Don’t be sad! This place gets a bum rap, but it’s really not all that bad. For instance, do you like to drink?”

“Sure I do,” the man responds.

“Then you’re going to love Wednesdays! Once a week, they have open bar and it’s all you can drink. All the guys laugh and tell jokes and have a great time.”

“Say, that does sound good. At least that’s one thing to look forward to each week.”

“Sure! And hey, do you like to gamble?”

“I sure do!”

“Man, you are going to love Thursdays! All the guys gather in the great pit and play poker, blackjack, you name it, till the wee hours. It’s a blast!”

“That sounds great!”

“Sure! Oh by the way, are you gay?”

“Um, no, I’m not…”

“Man, you are going to HATE Fridays!”

 Signature 

Free in Kentucky
—Humanist
“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”—Edith Sitwell

Profile
 
 
Posted: 06 August 2012 12:12 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 6 ]
Sr. Member
Avatar
RankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRank
Total Posts:  3210
Joined  2011-08-15

A giant panda waddles into a bar. The bartender barks, “yeah, whaddya want” The panda orders a bourbon on the rocks, grabs it in one paw and drinks it in one gulp. It then orders a ham sandwich.

There’s an obnoxious drunk setting beside the panda and loudly shouting “hey, they don’t serve your kind here, expletive deleted”. Whereupon the panda pulls out a pistol and kills the drunk. The stunned bartender exclaims, “hey buddy, why did you do that?!

The panda jumps off the barstool and on his way out turns his head and growls “look it up”. The bartender picks up a dictionary and turns to the definition: giant Panda, large bear with black and white coloring and 5 fingers with opposable thumbs, EATS, SHOOTS, and LEAVES.


Cap’t Jack

 Signature 

One good schoolmaster is of more use than a hundred priests.

Thomas Paine

Profile
 
 
Posted: 06 August 2012 05:14 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 7 ]
Sr. Member
RankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRank
Total Posts:  1765
Joined  2007-10-22

I was driving down a country road when a hit a cat that was in the road.  Good thing I stopped immediately as a county sheriff was directly behind me and stopped when she saw the incident.  I felt bad about killing the cat so I picked it up and the cop and I knocked on the door of the house I was in front of.  The people there said that it wasn’t their cat but thought it belonged to the people next door.  We went over there and the woman who answered the door said it wasn’t theirs, but a little boy who was on the porch said it belonged to the old woman across the street. 
The sheriff was getting more than a little irritated at this point but I took the dead cat across the street to where the kid said it belonged and knocked on the door.  An elderly woman answered the door.  It was her cat and she was extremely upset over the dead cat.  I didn’t know what to do so I offered the old lady a $100.00 so she could get a replacement from the SPCA.  After crying for a minute or two the lady thanked me and took the money. The damned sheriff then arrested her for selling her pussy.

 Signature 

Gary the Human

All the Gods and all religions are created by humans, to meet human needs and accomplish human ends.

Profile
 
 
Posted: 06 August 2012 05:15 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 8 ]
Sr. Member
RankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRank
Total Posts:  1765
Joined  2007-10-22
Thevillageatheist - 06 August 2012 12:12 PM

A giant panda waddles into a bar. The bartender barks, “yeah, whaddya want” The panda orders a bourbon on the rocks, grabs it in one paw and drinks it in one gulp. It then orders a ham sandwich.

There’s an obnoxious drunk setting beside the panda and loudly shouting “hey, they don’t serve your kind here, expletive deleted”. Whereupon the panda pulls out a pistol and kills the drunk. The stunned bartender exclaims, “hey buddy, why did you do that?!

The panda jumps off the barstool and on his way out turns his head and growls “look it up”. The bartender picks up a dictionary and turns to the definition: giant Panda, large bear with black and white coloring and 5 fingers with opposable thumbs, EATS, SHOOTS, and LEAVES.


Cap’t Jack

Panda a NRA membar?

 Signature 

Gary the Human

All the Gods and all religions are created by humans, to meet human needs and accomplish human ends.

Profile
 
 
Posted: 06 August 2012 06:10 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 9 ]
Sr. Member
Avatar
RankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRank
Total Posts:  3210
Joined  2011-08-15

Yep, a charter from what I here! That’s why the police used his colors for their cars. Don’t believe me? Look it up! wink


Cap’t Jack

 Signature 

One good schoolmaster is of more use than a hundred priests.

Thomas Paine

Profile
 
 
Posted: 06 August 2012 06:21 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 10 ]
Sr. Member
Avatar
RankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRank
Total Posts:  4849
Joined  2007-10-05

Do you know why Texas doesn’t slide off into the Gulf of Mexico? Because Oklahoma sucks.

East Texas is a polite way of saying West Louisiana.

Did you hear the one about the blonde who wore out her clutch at the flashing red light?

Did you hear about the Aggie who dislocated his shoulder at the golf course? He fell off the ball washing machine.

[ Edited: 06 August 2012 07:19 PM by DarronS ]
 Signature 

You cannot have a rational conversation with someone who holds irrational beliefs.

Profile
 
 
Posted: 06 August 2012 06:26 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 11 ]
Moderator
RankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRank
Total Posts:  5551
Joined  2010-06-16

It’s old, but my favorite blond joke is: 
Why are blond jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

(Sorry, Darron, but that joke did wonders for me with quite a few blonds.  LOL  )

Occam

 Signature 

Succinctness, clarity’s core.

Profile
 
 
Posted: 06 August 2012 06:28 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 12 ]
Sr. Member
RankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRank
Total Posts:  348
Joined  2006-11-27

A young officer in the Foreign Legion is given his first command, a remote fort in the middle of the desert.  He inspects his new command and everything is in good order except there’s a mangy she camel tied up behind the barracks.  He asks his new adjutant, “What is this camel doing here?”  The adjutant tells him, “Well Sir, this is a very remote posting and the men get very, ahem, ‘restless’ and then they use the camel.

A few months pass and the officer finds that he has become quite ‘restless’, so he sends his adjutant for the camel.  He makes use of the camel then turns to his adjutant and asks, “So, is that how the men do it?”  The adjutant replies, “Well, Sir, the men usually just ride her in to town.”

 Signature 

If we’re not laughing, they’re winning.

Profile
 
 
Posted: 06 August 2012 07:22 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 13 ]
Sr. Member
Avatar
RankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRank
Total Posts:  4849
Joined  2007-10-05
Occam. - 06 August 2012 06:26 PM

It’s old, but my favorite blond joke is: 
Why are blond jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

(Sorry, Darron, but that joke did wonders for me with quite a few blonds.  LOL  )

Occam

Yup. That’s an oldie but goody.

 Signature 

You cannot have a rational conversation with someone who holds irrational beliefs.

Profile
 
 
Posted: 06 August 2012 07:51 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 14 ]
Sr. Member
Avatar
RankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRank
Total Posts:  4849
Joined  2007-10-05

Salary Theorem:


The less you know, the more you make.

Proof:


Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.

Postulate 2: Time is Money.



As every engineer knows: Power = Work /Time


And since Knowledge = Power and Time = Money


It is therefore true that Knowledge = Work/Money


Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work/Knowledge


Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of Work done.

 Signature 

You cannot have a rational conversation with someone who holds irrational beliefs.

Profile
 
 
Posted: 07 August 2012 03:32 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 15 ]
Sr. Member
Avatar
RankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRankRank
Total Posts:  2699
Joined  2011-04-24

What has hundreds of ears, but can’t hear you?  A corn field.


Two peanuts walk into bar - they were assaulted.


A husband says to his wife, “want to have a quickie?”  The wife replies, “as opposed to what?”


Two radio antennas got married; the wedding was boring but the reception was great.


A man walked into a doctors office, and said, “help I’m shrinking!”
The doctor replied, ‘relax, just be a little patient”.


“Roses are red violets are blue, I’m a schizophrenic, and so am I”


A neutron walks into a bar and says, “how much for a drink”?
The bartender says,  “for you no charge”.


Two women are riding bicycles on a cobblestone road.  One woman says, “I’ve never come this way before”;  the other woman says, “it must be the cobblestones”


A guy walks into a bar, he said “Ow, that bar hurts”


A married couple are in bed, and the husband says “I’m going to make you the happiest wife on earth”.
The wife replies,  “shouldn’t you start getting packed then?”

[ Edited: 07 August 2012 03:48 AM by mid atlantic ]
 Signature 

Raise your glass if you’re wrong…. in all the right ways.

Profile
 
 
   
1 of 14
1