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Heard any good jokes lately?
Posted: 23 November 2012 04:00 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 121 ]
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A young woman who had just got her driver’s license was driving down a country road below the speed limit.  This attracted the attention of a state trooper who began to follow her.  All of a sudden she slammed on her brakes, stopped and jumped out of her car.  He pulled over behind her to find out what the hell she was doing.  He walked up to her and she was sobbing and crying and in her hands she had the body of a cat she had just run over and killed.  She was so upset that when she decided to knock on the door of the home they were stopped in front of he went with her.  The woman who answered the door said it wasn’t hers but thought it belonged to the people next door.  The trooper followed the young women to the neighbor’s house and the man who answered the door there said it belonged to the widow across the street. 

The trooper was getting a bit exasperated at this point but the young women was so upset that rather than put up with her crying and pleading went with her across the street to the widow’s.  When the women answered the door and saw her cat she broke down and now he was faced with the two of them crying and sobbing.  The young girl, trying to make things right eventually offered the widow $25.00 to get a new cat.

The widow accepted the offer and thanked the young woman.  At which point the trooper arrested the old woman for selling her pussy.

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Gary the Human

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Posted: 28 November 2012 11:17 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 122 ]
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I don’t mean to make fun of accents, but there was high school history teacher who did his best to make the class interesting, so when they covered WWI, he invited his old Swedish neighbor to tell the class about his experiences in the air corps.  “Vell, I remember von day ve vas flying our Shpads over Chermany, and zees two Fukkers come diving out of ve sun.  Von of ze Fukkers gets on my tail, and I couldn’t shake him…”

At this point the teacher interrupts, “I just want to remind the class that the Fokker aircraft company made some of the most advanced airplanes of the war.”

“Ya,” said the Swede,” only in zis case the Fukkers vas flying Halbershtadts.”

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Posted: 06 December 2012 07:20 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 123 ]
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GdB - 20 August 2012 11:28 AM
George - 20 August 2012 10:29 AM

Funny, GdB. But that is only possible when you are alone on the road. If other drivers see you, you can’t do it.  grin

In QM that is not true. Of course you do not need just a quantum lane. You need quantum cars too.

I’ve never heard of quantum police…

v2xn9d.jpg

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Posted: 09 December 2012 11:01 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 124 ]
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This is an interpertation of the Adam and Eve story that I haven’t seen before.

Jawah in his wisdom created Adam.  After a period of observation he decided that this creation wasn’t quite what he had in mind, and needed updating.  So he tried again and created a new model called Eve.

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Gary the Human

All the Gods and all religions are created by humans, to meet human needs and accomplish human ends.

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Posted: 09 December 2012 03:17 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 125 ]
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And to that I offer this palindrome viz, dogma: I am god.

Cap’t Jack

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One good schoolmaster is of more use than a hundred priests.

Thomas Paine

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Posted: 10 December 2012 04:25 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 126 ]
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garythehuman - 09 December 2012 11:01 AM

This is an interpertation of the Adam and Eve story that I haven’t seen before.

Jawah in his wisdom created Adam.  After a period of observation he decided that this creation wasn’t quite what he had in mind, and needed updating.  So he tried again and created a new model called Eve.

And after creating Eve, God said, “holy shit I really fucked up!”

So he just decided there was no point to perfection, and proceeded to torture man and women for eternity. tongue laugh

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Raise your glass if you’re wrong…. in all the right ways.

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Posted: 13 December 2012 05:22 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 127 ]
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mid atlantic - 10 December 2012 04:25 AM
garythehuman - 09 December 2012 11:01 AM

This is an interpertation of the Adam and Eve story that I haven’t seen before.

Jawah in his wisdom created Adam.  After a period of observation he decided that this creation wasn’t quite what he had in mind, and needed updating.  So he tried again and created a new model called Eve.

And after creating Eve, God said, “holy shit I really fucked up!”

So he just decided there was no point to perfection, and proceeded to torture man and women for eternity. tongue laugh

Just because they won’t shut up until you do what they want, until a man eats the apple? ohh ?

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Posted: 21 December 2012 04:52 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 128 ]
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This puts me in mind of the early Bill Cosby riffs on Genesis,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qs9WEExFT0g, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NlmIeH7DT_w.

The quality’s not great, but, in my opinion, the humor still works.

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Posted: 21 December 2012 12:15 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 129 ]
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25 funniest autocorrects of 2012

http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/the-25-funniest-autocorrects-of-2012

I don’t know if they are real or not, but I was laughing pretty hard at some of them. Do NOT read while drinking coffee (or any other beverage.) LOL
Take care,

Derek

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Posted: 23 January 2013 10:55 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 130 ]
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sexist joke…...
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband’s temper.

The Doctor asks: “What’s the problem?

The woman says: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me.”

The Doctor says: “I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and is asleep.”

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: “Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?”

The Doctor says: “The water itself does nothing. It’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick….”

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Posted: 23 January 2013 11:29 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 131 ]
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LOL

StephenLawrence - 23 January 2013 10:55 AM

sexist joke…...
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband’s temper.

The Doctor asks: “What’s the problem?

The woman says: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me.”

The Doctor says: “I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and is asleep.”

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: “Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?”

The Doctor says: “The water itself does nothing. It’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick….”

LOL
but, you better be careful where you tell it.  cool grin

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Posted: 23 January 2013 11:55 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 132 ]
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But, since we’re in danger territory here:
{I thought I told this once but can’t find it, so what the hell}

A Cowboy is driving across the res
see’s an Indian hitchhiking and like a good ol westerner automatically pulls over to pick up the Indian.

Just as the Indian is stepping into the truck the Cowboy notices the twelve pack of beer he placed on the passenger side floor.
He’s bummed, knowing the indian is going to want some.

Sure enough, the Indian starts smacking his chops and staring at the beer.

The Cowboy says: “That’s for my wife.”

It’s quiet for a while, then the Indian says: “Good trade.”

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Posted: 27 January 2013 01:38 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 133 ]
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Q. What do accountants do when they are constipated?

A. Work it out with a pencil.

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Posted: 28 January 2013 07:46 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 134 ]
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StephenLawrence - 27 January 2013 01:38 PM

Q. What do accountants do when they are constipated?

A. Work it out with a pencil.


Ugh.

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Gary the Human

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Posted: 30 January 2013 06:28 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 135 ]
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Two little boys are in a hospital outside an operating room, lying next to each other on gurneys. They are the first scheduled surgeries of the day.

The older kid leans over and asks, “What are you here for?”

The younger kids says, “I’m getting my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”

“The older kid says “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lotos of jello and ice cream. It’s a breeze.”

Then the younger kid asks, “What are you here for?”

“A circumcision.”

“Whoa!” the younger kid replies, “Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born and I couldn’t walk for a year.”

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