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Heard any good jokes lately?
Posted: 01 February 2013 11:35 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 136 ]
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Here is a silly (maybe regional) Jesus joke many Christians won’t find offensive:

Jesus has just been resurrected, he’s wondering a town, his clothes torn and tattered from the ordeal he’s been through. He walks into a taylor’s shop and is greeted by the owner, Sammy, who recognizes Jesus instantly. Jesus asks Sammy if he can help him out with some clothes. Very excited Sammy agrees, and starts to take some measurements on Jesus. As he’s doing so Jesus explains that he doesn’t have any money to really pay for new clothes. Sammy tells Jesus, “It would be my honor to do this for you. No cost!” Sammy finishes his measurements and tells Jesus, “Come back tomorrow and I’ll have something for you.”

Jesus comes back the next day and Sammy is there waiting with new beautiful robes. Jesus tells Sammy, “These are beautiful! I don’t know how to thank you or repay you.” Sammy is humbled. As he leaves the shop and walks the town Jesus continuously has people coming up to him and saying things like “Those robes are amazing, where did you get them?”. Jesus decides he has to tell Sammy that his work is being admired. He heads back to the shop and he tells Sammy, “You know as I walked through town a lot of people asked about these robes. I know how I can repay you, we can go into business together. You make the robes and I’ll wear them around town. This will surely get you business. I even know what we’ll call the store: JESUS AND SAMMY!” Sammy is quiet and thinks about it, he likes the idea, but he pauses, looks at Jesus and says, “You’ve got a deal, but I have a better name LORD AND TAYLOR!”

It’s a long set up for a silly punch line. HA!

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Posted: 01 February 2013 01:07 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 137 ]
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Welcome Tahu and thanks! I’ve been waiting for someone to open the door to groaners (jokes that is) so here goes:


It seems that there was a king in So. Africa Who demanded complete fealty from his subjects. Let’s call him Dabulamanzi. He was all powerful and had many wives and cattle in his Kraal. He commanded the best regiments in the area and the people dated their calendar to his birth. Every year skilled craftsmen from the village constructed the finest throne hand carved from cattle horn and ebony wood. They presented the throne to him and he presided over the annual new year ceremony and feast of mealies and roasted oxen. The feast lasted for three days and many warriors and maidens were paired up for marriage. All was well. The ceremony of the end of the feast was when the strongest warriors placed the throne in the upper story of the chief’s Indlhu.
Many years passed and the feasts continued unabated like clockwork and every year the warriors, along with the chief priest would continue the tradition of placing the sacred throne in the upper story of the Indlhu although the thrones had to be made wider and wider as the chief grew portly with feasting. Finally, inevitably, the obvious happened. The weight of the thrones and the weakness of the Indlhu proved too much and, the Indlhu collapsed crushing the king and his retinue. There, of course is a morale to the sad tale.

People who live in grass houses should NOT stow thrones!


Cap’t Jack

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Posted: 01 February 2013 04:59 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 138 ]
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Alright another sort of religious joke that’s not so offensive. Funny thing about this one is a Rabbi once told me it.

A Rabbi and a Priest are walking and talking. The Priest says to the Rabbi, “I don’t want to offend you but, do you mind if I ask you a kind of personal question?” The Rabbi say sure. The Priest asks, “Have you ever eaten bacon? I mean like a really nice piece of bacon.” The Rabbi stops, kind of smiles and says, “To be 100% honest, yes I have.” The Priest asks him, “Well what did you think?” The Rabbi says, “it was really good.” They walk on for a bit when the Rabbi asks the Priest if he can ask him a sort of personal question too. The Priest nods. The Rabbi asks, “I mean no disrespect, but have you ever had sex?” The Priest stops, blushes, and says, “To be 100% honest yes I have.” The Rabbi looks at him and says, “It’s a hell of a lot better then bacon isn’t it.”

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Posted: 25 February 2013 05:50 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 139 ]
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I am translating this from Czech so hopefully it remains funny:

Two snakes are crawling together when one of them stops and asks the other: “Do you think we might be poisonous snakes”? “I guess. Why?,” replies the other. “Because I just bit my tongue.”

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Posted: 25 February 2013 09:43 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 140 ]
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This is another dumb one:

What did the mermaid where to math class?

An algae bra. red face

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All the Gods and all religions are created by humans, to meet human needs and accomplish human ends.

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Posted: 25 February 2013 09:52 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 141 ]
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One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he noticed two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. “Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man.
“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.
“Oh, come along with me then,” the man from the limousine said excitedly.
“But, sir, I have a wife with two children!”
“Bring them along! And you, come with us too!” he said to the other man.
“But sir, I have a wife with six children!” the second man answered.
“Bring them as well!”
So they all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a vehicle as large as the limousine. One of the poor fellows expressed his gratitude, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”
The rich man replied, “No, thank you… The grass at my place is about three feet tall and I could use the help!”

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Posted: 25 February 2013 04:18 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 142 ]
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A joke from the latest Martin Cruz Smith novel:

A group of soldiers, (in the book, Russian Special forces), were given an intelligence test.  They each received a board with a number of differently shaped holes in it, and a corresponding set of blocks that fit through the holes.  Half of the soldiers failed the test.  From this result the scientist were able to conclude that half the soldiers were very stupid, and the other half were very strong.

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Posted: 25 February 2013 07:24 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 143 ]
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danda - 01 February 2013 03:25 AM

well if you really like some good jokes please watch two and a half men tv show .

How about the Republican Party!  There’s a joke for you. You’re in no danger of flubbing the laugh line.

LL

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Posted: 25 February 2013 08:29 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 144 ]
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Lois - 25 February 2013 07:24 PM
danda - 01 February 2013 03:25 AM

well if you really like some good jokes please watch two and a half men tv show .

How about the Republican Party!  There’s a joke for you. You’re in no danger of flubbing the laugh line.

LL

The title of the thread asks for good jokes. The Republican Party is a bad joke.  cool smile

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Posted: 26 February 2013 11:31 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 145 ]
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I agree.  And I was thinking of modifying the joke three above (#143) from Russian soldiers to Republican Congressmen. smile

Occam

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Posted: 26 February 2013 11:35 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 146 ]
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Please do!

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Posted: 26 February 2013 11:42 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 147 ]
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Easy enough:  A group of soldiers, (in the book, Russian Special forces), Republican Congressmen were given an intelligence test.  They each received a board with a number of differently shaped holes in it, and a corresponding set of blocks that fit through the holes.  Half of the soldiers Congressmen failed the test.  From this result the scientist were able to conclude that half the soldiers Congressmen were very stupid, and the other half were very strong.

Occam

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Posted: 26 February 2013 11:56 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 148 ]
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I am really tempted to comment on the intelligence of the two parties here, but as I already said earlier today in another thread, sometimes I have to decide if I value my membership here more than I do speaking my mind. And I like it here, so I’ll just bite my tongue.  zipper

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Posted: 26 February 2013 12:02 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 149 ]
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I agree, George, but we have to enjoy even small differences.  I.E., Republican legislators IQ = 80; Democratic legislators IQ = 82.  LOL

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Posted: 26 February 2013 08:51 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 150 ]
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I have a joke my father told me many years ago.  I thought it was very funny at the time. See if you do.

Two nuns went to the racetrack.  They had two dollars to bet with.  One sister got the scratch sheet and they started looking it over.  Sister Mary said, “Oh look, Sister Barbara, there’s a horse called Benedictus.  That sounds like a saint’s name.  Why don’t we put our money on him?” Sister Barbara agreed and they played their two dollar bet.  Lo and behold, Benedictus won the race and his odds were 20 to one.  Sister Mary went to the betting window to collect the money.  When she returned she was smiling and told Sister Barbara, “It isn’t true that these racetrack people are rough characters.  The man at the betting window was so nice, and between you and me, I think he’s a Catholic.”. Sister Barbara asked what made her think that?  Sister Mary said, “Well, when he handed me the money he said a prayer.” Sister Barbara asked what the prayer was. Sister Mary said,“It was in Latin, so I’m not sure what it means, but he said, ‘Jesus Christ, Benedictus rectus’.”

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