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Heard any good jokes lately?
Posted: 07 August 2012 03:51 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 16 ]
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Jeciron - 06 August 2012 06:28 PM

A young officer in the Foreign Legion is given his first command, a remote fort in the middle of the desert.  He inspects his new command and everything is in good order except there’s a mangy she camel tied up behind the barracks.  He asks his new adjutant, “What is this camel doing here?”  The adjutant tells him, “Well Sir, this is a very remote posting and the men get very, ahem, ‘restless’ and then they use the camel.

A few months pass and the officer finds that he has become quite ‘restless’, so he sends his adjutant for the camel.  He makes use of the camel then turns to his adjutant and asks, “So, is that how the men do it?”  The adjutant replies, “Well, Sir, the men usually just ride her in to town.”

LOL  LOL

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Posted: 07 August 2012 04:12 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 17 ]
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Proposition:

A cheese sandwich is better than God.

Proof:

A cheese sandwich is better than nothing.
Nothing is better than God.

Therefore: A cheese sandwich is better than God.

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Posted: 07 August 2012 04:16 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 18 ]
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As told to me by a Jewish friend:

The owner of a nail factory hires an advertising agency to help sell his product.  They meet so the ad man can pitch his ideas.  The ad man shows the owner a picture of Christ, nailed to the cross with the slogan, “Use Schwartz’s Nails!”.  The owner considers the idea, but rejects it, believing, (probably correctly), that it will offend to many potential customers.

After a week or two the ad man comes back and proudly unveils his new pitch.  This time it is a poster of Christ, in a crumpled heap at the foot of the cross.  The slogan reads, “You Should Have Used Schwartz’s Nails!”.

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Posted: 07 August 2012 05:53 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 19 ]
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The new C.O. at the Army base wanted to make sure everyone knew just how powerful and well-connected he was. He was just settling into his new office when he heard a young corporal enter his outer office and ask for the new C.O. Quickly, the Lt. Colonel picked up the phone form his desk and began talking into the mouthpiece, as he waived the Corporal into this office. “Yes, Mr. Secretary, I just arrived on base. Yes, sir, I have already spoken with the General and I’ll have this place ship shape in no time. You can count on me, sir! Well, same to you, sir! Be sure to say hello to your lovely wife for me. I look forward to seeing you when I am in Washington soon. Good day sir!”

“Well,” the Colonel said to the Corporal standing before him, “What can I do for you, son?”

The Corporal fidgeted nervously with the toolbox in his hand. “Well, sir,” he stammered, “I’m here to hook up your telephone.”

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Posted: 07 August 2012 08:22 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 20 ]
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And yet another cliche bar joke:

A woman walks into a bar and sits at the counter. She orders her usual and while sipping the drink here’s a voice saying “nice hair!” She looks around and finds that she’s the only one in the bar.

A minute later she hears, “nice dress!” Again, no one around. She continues enjoying her drink.

Just then she hears, “nice shoes!”

Now really freaked out she calls the bartender over and says in a shaky voice, I keep hearing someone talking but there’s no one here but you and me!

The bartender replys, “Oh that’s the peanuts; they’re complimentary”.

Cap’t Jack

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Posted: 10 August 2012 05:03 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 21 ]
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Ok, ill give it a try:

———————————————————-

edit: deleted the joke which was similar to freeinkys joke, which i havent read before posting this one.

——————————————————————————————————

(This Joke is from a special region in serbia)

A guy comes to a tire store and puts a patched up condom on the counter.
The Store owner looks annoyed at him;
O: Hell, why do you bring that thing to me, i have repaired it five times, throw it away already.
G: I didnt bring it to be repaired, i just want you to balance it out, it tends to pull to the left.

———————————————————————————————————-

A Higgs Boson walks into a church.
Priest: Leave, we dont want you in here.
HB: But you cant have Mass without me.

————————————————————————————————————-

The 40ies somewhere in Poland.
A young german Soldier is on patrol monitoring the curfew, suddenly he sees a polish Man who runs across the street.
He takes his rifle and aims, in this instant he hears a voice:“Don’t shoot, let this man go!”
He thinks, No way ill shoot that guy, he aims at him again, and again he hears the voice “spare this man, one day he will be the pope.”
The Soldier hesitates and finally he says “Okay, ill let him get away, but only if ill become the pope afterwards.”

——————————————————————————————————————————-

A little boy on a hospital floor is crying, when a nurse sees him, she asks what happend, and why he is crying.
He tells her that his Mother just died.
“Do you want me to call a priest?” She asks.
The boy answers “No, at the moment I am not in the mood for sex.”

———————————————————————————————————————————

[ Edited: 10 August 2012 05:12 PM by Alexander80 ]
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Posted: 10 August 2012 10:40 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 22 ]
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Alexander80 - 10 August 2012 05:03 PM

Ok, ill give it a try:

——————————————————————————————————————————-

A little boy on a hospital floor is crying, when a nurse sees him, she asks what happend, and why he is crying.
He tells her that his Mother just died.
“Do you want me to call a priest?” She asks.
The boy answers “No, at the moment I am not in the mood for sex.”

———————————————————————————————————————————

LOL  That’s hilarious!

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Posted: 13 August 2012 10:13 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 23 ]
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A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in awhile. What happened? You look terrible.”
“What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”
“What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”
“Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.”
“Well, o.k., but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?”
“We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, really.”
“What about that eye patch?”
“Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.”
“You’re kidding,” said the bartender, “you couldn’t lose an eye just from some bird shit.”
“It was my first day with the hook

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Gary the Human

All the Gods and all religions are created by humans, to meet human needs and accomplish human ends.

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Posted: 13 August 2012 11:11 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 24 ]
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Good one, Gary! Seldom does reading a joke make me literally LOL but that one did. Thanks!

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Free in Kentucky
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“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”—Edith Sitwell

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Posted: 13 August 2012 11:17 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 25 ]
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An orderly is sitting with a patient on a bench in a courtyard at the psychiatric hospital. The patient has a tendency to get very agitated at little things, so when a bird passes over and deposits its “payload” right on top of the patient’s bald head, the orderly is concerned.

“Stay calm, ” he says soothingly. “The bird had an accident on your head, but don’t panic. I’ll be right back with some toilet paper and we’ll get this cleaned right up.”

After waiting patiently for 10 minutes for the orderly to return, the patient turns to another patient seated on the bench and says, “That orderly thinks I’m crazy, but he’s the fool. Doesn’t he know that by the time he gets back here with the toilet paper, that damn bird will be fifty miles from here!”

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“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”—Edith Sitwell

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Posted: 14 August 2012 03:34 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 26 ]
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A preacher arrives at his country church on Sunday morning to find only a single, elderly farmer in attendance.  He asks, “Since no one else is here, should I still preach, or shall we just go home.”  The farmer replies, “If I take a load of hay down to my cows and only one of them shows up I still feed her.”  The preacher is deeply moved by the farmer’s answer and goes on to preach what feels is the best sermon of his career.  When the preacher finishes he can’t resist asking the farmer what he thought of the sermon.  The farmer replies, “Well, if I take a load of hay down to my cows and only one shows up I still feed her, but I don’t give her the whole damn wagon load!”


Another not very funny joke, but one that has always intrigued me, (and gotten me into a fair amount of trouble):

A man finds a lamp and when he polishes it two genies, (geni?), appear.  They tell the man the usual genie stuff about three wishes, but add that he must not speak the wishes aloud, but must just think them.  The man thinks for a moment and suddenly a huge pile of gold coins appears.  He thinks for another moment and several beautiful, naked women appear.  He thinks again and suddenly the door is kicked open and a group of men in white hoods grab him, drag him into the street, and hang him from the nearest lamp post.

One genie turns to the other and says, “You know, I understand the money and sex things, everybody wants those, but did you get the part about being hung like a black man?”


Admittedly, this is not a great joke, but what I find odd about it is that I see it as a joke about prejudice and and racism, a joke based on racism, but not really a racist joke.  I’m not sure I’ve encountered anyone else that sees it that way and some people are really offended.  That may say more about me than it does about the joke, I suppose.  If anyone is moved to comment, or point out the error of my thinking I can’t think of a group who’s responses would be more interesting, (and edifying), to me.  And please, if this joke is as repulsive as some people seem to think it is, I sincerely apologize and beg that you don’t ban me from this forum.

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Posted: 14 August 2012 09:55 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 27 ]
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Well, personally I agree with your assessment of the joke. It’s a reflection of our cultural prejudices. OTOH, as a white American I’m not really in a place say whether it’s offensive. I can see where it would be at best uncomfortable for an African American.

This isn’t a joke, but a story about jokes, that seems appropriate here. During my brief stint in the Navy—I lasted through 6 weeks of basic training before getting a medical discharge—I had an eye-opening moment. One evening about 25 guys from my company gathered around, just hanging out and telling stories. It was only us recruits—no CC’s or officers around. Eventually we started telling jokes. About half of us were black. Imagine my surprise when the black guys started telling, in their own words, “n****r jokes”. And they were damn funny. Eventually, we all started coming up with jokes that poked fun at our own groups—Polish, Jewish, religious, hillbilly, whatever.  Not only was it hilarious, it really formed a bond among us. Once you’ve done that with a bunch of guys, it’s hard to be offended at anything they say or do. Looking back on it now, I wonder if the company commander didn’t instigate the whole thing by asking some of the guys to get it going. For all I know, it might be something they do with every group of recruits.

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Posted: 14 August 2012 10:22 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 28 ]
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garythehuman - 13 August 2012 10:13 AM

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in awhile. What happened? You look terrible.”
“What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”
“What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”
“Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.”
“Well, o.k., but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?”
“We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, really.”
“What about that eye patch?”
“Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.”
“You’re kidding,” said the bartender, “you couldn’t lose an eye just from some bird shit.”
“It was my first day with the hook

Excellent.

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Posted: 14 August 2012 06:42 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 29 ]
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Jeciron - 14 August 2012 03:34 AM

A preacher arrives at his country church on Sunday morning to find only a single, elderly farmer in attendance.  He asks, “Since no one else is here, should I still preach, or shall we just go home.”  The farmer replies, “If I take a load of hay down to my cows and only one of them shows up I still feed her.”  The preacher is deeply moved by the farmer’s answer and goes on to preach what feels is the best sermon of his career.  When the preacher finishes he can’t resist asking the farmer what he thought of the sermon.  The farmer replies, “Well, if I take a load of hay down to my cows and only one shows up I still feed her, but I don’t give her the whole damn wagon load!”


Another not very funny joke, but one that has always intrigued me, (and gotten me into a fair amount of trouble):

A man finds a lamp and when he polishes it two genies, (geni?), appear.  They tell the man the usual genie stuff about three wishes, but add that he must not speak the wishes aloud, but must just think them.  The man thinks for a moment and suddenly a huge pile of gold coins appears.  He thinks for another moment and several beautiful, naked women appear.  He thinks again and suddenly the door is kicked open and a group of men in white hoods grab him, drag him into the street, and hang him from the nearest lamp post.

One genie turns to the other and says, “You know, I understand the money and sex things, everybody wants those, but did you get the part about being hung like a black man?”


Admittedly, this is not a great joke, but what I find odd about it is that I see it as a joke about prejudice and and racism, a joke based on racism, but not really a racist joke.  I’m not sure I’ve encountered anyone else that sees it that way and some people are really offended.  That may say more about me than it does about the joke, I suppose.  If anyone is moved to comment, or point out the error of my thinking I can’t think of a group who’s responses would be more interesting, (and edifying), to me.  And please, if this joke is as repulsive as some people seem to think it is, I sincerely apologize and beg that you don’t ban me from this forum.

It’s a funny joke.

I’m surprised more people have not commented on it.

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Posted: 14 August 2012 06:45 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 30 ]
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FreeInKy - 14 August 2012 09:55 AM

Well, personally I agree with your assessment of the joke. It’s a reflection of our cultural prejudices. OTOH, as a white American I’m not really in a place say whether it’s offensive. I can see where it would be at best uncomfortable for an African American.

This isn’t a joke, but a story about jokes, that seems appropriate here. During my brief stint in the Navy—I lasted through 6 weeks of basic training before getting a medical discharge—I had an eye-opening moment. One evening about 25 guys from my company gathered around, just hanging out and telling stories. It was only us recruits—no CC’s or officers around. Eventually we started telling jokes. About half of us were black. Imagine my surprise when the black guys started telling, in their own words, “n****r jokes”. And they were damn funny. Eventually, we all started coming up with jokes that poked fun at our own groups—Polish, Jewish, religious, hillbilly, whatever.  Not only was it hilarious, it really formed a bond among us. Once you’ve done that with a bunch of guys, it’s hard to be offended at anything they say or do. Looking back on it now, I wonder if the company commander didn’t instigate the whole thing by asking some of the guys to get it going. For all I know, it might be something they do with every group of recruits.

I don’t get it FIK, you’re uncomfortable with this joke, but you thought the black jokes told by the black recruits were?

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