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Heard any good jokes lately?
Posted: 06 September 2012 09:51 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 61 ]
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Q: What do you call the useless sack of fat around a penis?
A: A man.

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“In the end nature is horrific and teaches us nothing.” -Mutual of Omicron

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Posted: 13 September 2012 04:31 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 62 ]
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Q: What kind of meat do priests eat?

A: Nun.


Q: What do Boy Scouts like to snack on?

A: Brownies.

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Question every angle, Study every angle, Research every angle

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Posted: 07 October 2012 03:36 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 63 ]
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As I was discarding some ancient data disks I saw this.
Occam
===
In a small Southern town there was a nativity scene that indicated great skill and talent in its creation.  One small feature bothered me though.  The three wise men were wearing firemen’s helmets.  Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.  At a “Quik Stop” on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. 

She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, “You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!”

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn’t recall anything about firemen in the Bible.  She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a particular passage.

Sticking it in my face she said, “See, it says right here, ‘The three wise men came from afar.’”

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Posted: 07 October 2012 04:23 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 64 ]
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Snow White, Superman and Pinocchio are walking along.

They see a sign: “Contest for World’s Most Beautiful Woman.” Snow White goes in, later comes out smiling, wearing a crown.

They walk along and see another sign: “Contest for World’s Strongest Man.” Superman goes in, later comes out smiling, wearing the belt.

They walk along and see a sign: “Contest for World’s Greatest Liar.” Pinocchio goes in, later comes out with his head down crying.

“Who the hell is Mitt Romney?” Pinocchio sobs.

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Church; where sheep congregate to worship a zombie on a stick that turns into a cracker on Sundays…

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Posted: 07 October 2012 05:01 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 65 ]
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LOL  Great. I’ll be printing copies for my Wednesday and Thursday lunch groups. 

Occam

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Posted: 07 October 2012 11:56 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 66 ]
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Occam. - 07 October 2012 03:36 PM

As I was discarding some ancient data disks I saw this.
Occam
===
In a small Southern town there was a nativity scene that indicated great skill and talent in its creation.  One small feature bothered me though.  The three wise men were wearing firemen’s helmets.  Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.  At a “Quik Stop” on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. 

She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, “You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!”

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn’t recall anything about firemen in the Bible.  She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a particular passage.

Sticking it in my face she said, “See, it says right here, ‘The three wise men came from afar.’”

True story: I grew up in a small town in Texas. As a boy, one day, I had been on a long walk, during which time I came upon some large ants who were in a mortal battle with a lot of smaller ants.  When I got home, I excitedly told my mother that I had seen a real live war.  From the immediate look of horror on her face, I realized that she was concerned that I could have been electrocuted.

[ Edited: 08 October 2012 12:01 AM by TimB ]
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“Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb… We are bound to others, past and present… And by each crime and every kindness… We birth our future.”  Sonmi, 2144.

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Posted: 08 October 2012 02:48 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 67 ]
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One of my all time favorites.

The Dog’s Diary
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

The Cat’s Diary
Day 983 of My Captivity
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now ...

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Art is the creation of that which evokes an emotional response, leading to thoughts of the noblest kind.
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Posted: 08 October 2012 02:04 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 68 ]
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Those are all very funny! tongue laugh

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Church; where sheep congregate to worship a zombie on a stick that turns into a cracker on Sundays…

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Posted: 08 October 2012 03:24 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 69 ]
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I laughed hard when i read a video-title on youtube:

Are Ghosts Demons Posing as the Dead?

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Posted: 09 October 2012 08:16 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 70 ]
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Q: What did the blind, deaf orphan get for Christmas?
A: Cancer

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“In the end nature is horrific and teaches us nothing.” -Mutual of Omicron

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Posted: 09 October 2012 08:56 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 71 ]
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Q: What did the blind, deaf orphan get for Christmas?
A: Cancer


“Kick em’ when they’re up, kick em’ when they’re down”.
“Kick em’ when they’re up, kick em’ all around”.


Cap’t Jack

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One good schoolmaster is of more use than a hundred priests.

Thomas Paine

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Posted: 09 October 2012 09:00 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 72 ]
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I know a million of them.  Here’s one more:

Q: What has two legs and bleeds?
A: Half a dog.

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“In the end nature is horrific and teaches us nothing.” -Mutual of Omicron

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Posted: 09 October 2012 11:41 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 73 ]
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Yeah, what do you call a quadriplegic who falls off of a ship?

BOB


Cap’t Jack

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One good schoolmaster is of more use than a hundred priests.

Thomas Paine

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Posted: 09 October 2012 12:06 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 74 ]
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Here are a few suitable for young children:

Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: You neak up on it!

Q: How do you catch a tame Rabbit?
A:  Tame way!

Q: Why was 6 mad at 7?
A:  Cause 7 ate 9.

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“Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb… We are bound to others, past and present… And by each crime and every kindness… We birth our future.”  Sonmi, 2144.

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Posted: 09 October 2012 02:15 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 75 ]
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I love american forums, there is still freedom of speech, they banned me for a week in a german forum after telling such a joke.

Its better to tell this jokes on the net or people you know will get out of your way, or you will be arrested . grin
Sometimes i think we may be sick bastards for telling such jokes… or we just have bad taste .-)

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Massexecution during WWII , People are getting shot, a small boy is next in line and he pleads to his executor “please I dont want to die now”, he answers: “okay, go to the end of the line.”

A Girl in a rural Town in Mexico is sitting in the bureau of the school psychologist, and she asks “Iam 12 years and still a virgin, could that mean that my father is a homosexual?)

Q: What is yellow, has 24 breasts and is sitting in the corner?

A: A Bag for medical waste in the oncological department of a hospital.

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