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Heard any good jokes lately?
Posted: 09 October 2012 02:25 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 76 ]
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Appalachian joke:

Question: what has 500 legs and 2 teeth?

Answer: the front row of a bluegrass concert

Cap’t Jack

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One good schoolmaster is of more use than a hundred priests.

Thomas Paine

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Posted: 09 October 2012 04:39 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 77 ]
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Very old one:

Why did Helen Keller fire the maid?
She left the plunger in the toilet.

How do blind skydivers know their near the ground?
The leash goes slack.

Overheard today at my father’s assisted living facility:

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
He didn’t have the guts.

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Posted: 11 October 2012 01:44 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 78 ]
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In a catholic girls school the girls are asked by their teacher, a nun, what they want to become when they grow up.
N: Lisa what do you want to become in the future?
L: A Lawyer!
N: Fine, and what do you want to be later, Mary?
M: A doctor.
N: And you Betty?
B: I want to be a Prostitute!
N: WHAT DID YOU SAY?
B: I want to be a Prostitute.
N: Thank God, i thought i heard Protestant.

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Posted: 11 October 2012 01:47 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 79 ]
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Alexander80 - 11 October 2012 01:44 AM

In a catholic girls school the girls are asked by their teacher, a nun, what they want to become when they grow up.
N: Lisa what do you want to become in the future?
L: A Lawyer!
N: Fine, and what do you want to be later, Mary?
M: A doctor.
N: And you Betty?
B: I want to be a Prostitute!
N: WHAT DID YOU SAY?
B: I want to be a Prostitute.
N: Thank God, i thought i heard Protestant.

LOL

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Posted: 11 October 2012 08:11 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 80 ]
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Alexander80 - 09 October 2012 02:15 PM

I love american forums, there is still freedom of speech, they banned me for a week in a german forum after telling such a joke.

Its better to tell this jokes on the net or people you know will get out of your way, or you will be arrested . grin
Sometimes i think we may be sick bastards for telling such jokes… or we just have bad taste .-)

————————————

Massexecution during WWII , People are getting shot, a small boy is next in line and he pleads to his executor “please I dont want to die now”, he answers: “okay, go to the end of the line.”

A Girl in a rural Town in Mexico is sitting in the bureau of the school psychologist, and she asks “Iam 12 years and still a virgin, could that mean that my father is a homosexual?)

Q: What is yellow, has 24 breasts and is sitting in the corner?

A: A Bag for medical waste in the oncological department of a hospital.

Bahahaha!  Nice ones.  And there’s been a lot of research into Schadenfreude and the like and nobody really knows why we find the misery of others so funny.  Some think it helps us cope with life’s crappiness, others that it helps us cope with our own failings, and so on.  Take your pick.  I don’t especially care.  All I know is that I adore the blacker side of comedy.

Q: Why did the boy fall of his bicycle?
A: A head shot.

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“In the end nature is horrific and teaches us nothing.” -Mutual of Omicron

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Posted: 12 October 2012 03:49 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 81 ]
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That’s horrible DM! tongue laugh

I have a nasty one…..  what did the man say when he came home and found his wife cheating on him with his best friend?

To his wife he said, “pack your stuff and get outta my life!”  To his best friend he said, “bad dog!”

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Posted: 12 October 2012 04:02 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 82 ]
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“Did you hear the joke about the baby with AIDS?” 

“yeah it never gets old.”  I feel sorta bad about this one.

 

 

 

“.........So this guy with premature ejaculation comes out of nowhere”

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Posted: 12 October 2012 06:55 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 83 ]
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Ok…you guys started it….
Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles?
    .....because his wife died…...
jokes about german sausage are the wurst..
I am reading a book about anti-gravity…I can’t put it down….

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Posted: 12 October 2012 10:49 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 84 ]
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I am reading a book about anti-gravity…I can’t put it down….


Well done Sine, what we need is a little levity on this site!

 

Cap’t Jack

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One good schoolmaster is of more use than a hundred priests.

Thomas Paine

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Posted: 12 October 2012 12:06 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 85 ]
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Since it’s getting closer to Halloween…


What do vegetarian zombies eat?


Grraaaiiinnnzzz


Take care,

Derek

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“It is noble to be good; it is still nobler to teach others to be good—and less trouble.”—Mark Twain

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Posted: 12 October 2012 12:37 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 86 ]
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Geez. no one reads the thread titles anymore.  Everyone seems to have missed seeing the middle word.  vampire LOL

Occam

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Succinctness, clarity’s core.

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Posted: 12 October 2012 12:38 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 87 ]
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God jokes?  Wait… I read that wrong.

Do you know why only men can read maps?

Only a man could imagine one inch equaling a hundred miles.

Take care,

Derek

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“It is noble to be good; it is still nobler to teach others to be good—and less trouble.”—Mark Twain

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Posted: 12 October 2012 12:59 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 88 ]
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Only Texans will truly understand the humor here.

The year is 2024 and the United States has just elected the first woman as President of the United States.

A few days after the election, the president-elect calls her father in Dallas and asks, “So, Dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?

“I don’t think so. It’s a long drive; your mom isn’t as young as she used to be, we’ll have the dog with us, and my arthritis is acting up in my knee.”

“Don’t worry about it, Dad, I’ll send Air Force One or another support aircraft to pick you up and take you home,  and a limousine will pick you up at your door,” she said.

“I don’t know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?”

“Oh, Dad,” she replied, “I’ll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom-made by one of the best designers in New York”

“Honey,” Dad complained, “You know we can’t eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.”

The President-elect responded, “Don’t worry, Dad. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in D.C. And I’ll ensure your meals are salt-free. Dad, I really want you to come.”

So her parents reluctantly agreed, and on January 20, 2024 arrived to see their daughter sworn in as President of the United States. The parents of the new President are seated in the front row. The President’s dad notices a Senator sitting next to him and leans over and whispers, “You see that woman up there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States?”

The Senator whispered in reply, “Yes, I do.”

Dad says proudly, “Her brother played football for the “Texas Longhorns.”

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“In the beginning, God created the universe. This has made many people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move.”
Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

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Posted: 12 October 2012 02:54 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 89 ]
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Occam. - 12 October 2012 12:37 PM

Geez. no one reads the thread titles anymore.  Everyone seems to have missed seeing the middle word.  vampire LOL

Occam

I’ve held back.  I have yet to make a single joke involving copious profanity, corpses, perversity, thalidomide, or the enfeebled.  I can start though!  LOL

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“In the end nature is horrific and teaches us nothing.” -Mutual of Omicron

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Posted: 12 October 2012 03:17 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 90 ]
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Saw this on another forum:

What goes “*woof-woof* BOOM!”

A terrierist

Take care,

Derek

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“It is noble to be good; it is still nobler to teach others to be good—and less trouble.”—Mark Twain

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