An 80-year-old man from Montana went to his doctor for his annual check-up.
The doctor asks him how he’s feeling.
The 80-year-old says, “I’ve never felt better! Life is great and I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?”
The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. “I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went ‘bang, bang’. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?”
The 80-year-old said, “I’d say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”
Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn’t flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent.
I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior, I don’t know why he didn’t say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent.
Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
2. HIS DIARY
I didn’t catch any fish today, but at least I got laid.
In the 17th century Captain Courageous and his crew sailed the oceans, fighting for country and for the safety of the high seas. Invariably when a pirate ship was sighted on the horizon, Captain Courageous would command “Bring me my red shirt!” Captain Courageous would don his red shirt and a pitched battle would ensue, with Captain Courageous and his crew emeging victorious.
One day, not one, but two pirate ships were spotted coming their way. Again, Captain Courageous commanded, “Bring me my red shirt!” The following battle was terrible, indeed, but eventually, after a grueling battle that could have gone either way, the pirate ships were defeated. The first mate, having always been curious, at last asked Captain Courageous why he always called for his red shirt before a battle.
Captain Courageous told his first mate that the red shirt was necessary, in case he were wounded in battle. For if he were wounded, his blood would not show on the red shirt and the men would not become demoralized, and would fight on. The first mate considered this and thought to himself “Truly, he is Captain Courageous!”
The next day, not one, not two, but four pirate ships were spotted bearing down on them. The first mate and crew looked expectantly at Captain Courageous, who, after a moment, commanded:
I grew up in rural Vermont, a very small state that doesn’t know it. Within Vermont there is much pride taken in the fact that Vermont declared war on Germany a week before the United States did, and a fair amount of relief that Hitler never heard about it. Vermont also believes it has a feud with Texas, (something to do with both states claiming to have been independent nations once), but, again, luckily, I’ve never met a Texan who knew about it.
A great big Texan was traveling in Vermont and died. The undertaker searched and searched but couldn’t a coffin large enough, so they gave the corpse an enema and sent the Texan home in a shoe box.
The Vermonter was visiting Texas and was proudly informed that there wasn’t a county in Texas that the whole state of Vermont wouldn’t fit into. The old farmer replied, “Can’t say I’ve seen one that wouldn’t be better for it either.”
Of a more skeptical nature:
Dirty Ernie was out stomping on the sidewalk. A priest came up to him and asked, “What are you doing, young man?” Ernie replied, “I’m stomping on these piss ants.” The priest remonstrated with him, “Now Ernie, don’t you know that God put everything on this earth for a reason?” Ernie scoffed, “Yeah, right”. The priest, trying to reason with the boy said, “Come now, Ernie, name me three things on God’s planet with no purpose. “Sure”, says Ernie, “Tits on a Nun, balls on a Priest, and these God damned piss ants!
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an
affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to
come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam,
and we’re stoning her in the morning!
* The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis
enlargers, so I did. She’s 21, and her name’s Kathy.
* Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals
were shouting “pedophile!” and other names at me,
just because my girlfriend is 24 and I’m 50. It completely
spoiled our 10th anniversary.
A man and his girlfriend are going to a costume party dressed as a cow. They decide to take a shortcut through a pasture and halfway across they encounter a bull. The woman exclaims, “Oh Dear, What are we going to do?” Her boyfriend replies, “Well, I’m going to bend over and pretend to be eating grass and you brace yourself.
My 88 year old father’s favorite:
Three couples are getting married: One couple is quite elderly, one is middle aged, and the last are youngsters. They go to their church for prenuptial counseling and the minister tells them that in order for them to be married in this particular church they must refrain from having sex for at least a month before they’re married.
A month goes by and they return to the church. The minister asks them how it went.
The elderly couple reply that it wasn’t very difficult, they went for long walks, read, and spent time together, and with a little will power they refrained.
The middle aged couple reply that it was quite difficult, but by taking cold showers and sleeping in different rooms they managed to stay chaste.
The young couple are embarrassed and sort of hem and haw, finally the young man says, “It was very difficult, Pastor, we tried everything; cold showers, separate rooms, strenuous exercise, anything we could think of, but one day she bent over to get something out of the freezer and I just couldn’t control myself and I’m afraid we failed.”
The minister says, “I sorry my son, but I must ask you to leave this church and never return.”
The young man ashamedly replies, “Yes, I understand, Pastor, that is almost exactly the same thing they told us at the supermarket.”
Disclaimer: Don’t read the following if you are peevish about dirty jokes.
A couple of gay guys are making out, hot and heavy together, in the shower. The phone rings. One of the guys says, “Oh baby, I’ve got to go answer that, but pleeease, don’t cum until I get back!” A short while later, returning from the phone call to his lover, in the shower, he sees copious amounts of semen running down the shower walls. He says “You bastard! I begged you not to cum until I got back!” To which his lover replied, “Oh, honey. it’s okay. I just farted.”
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
5. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
6. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
7. The 50-50-90 rule: Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
9. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
11. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
12 . Your toes are a device for finding furniture in the dark.
13. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Geez, I feel like a non-liberal. I censored the one that referred to god and the one that was basically conservative whining.