(We present this fateful folly, written with and borrowed from others.)
You: Hello! Is this Giovani’s Pizza?
Operator (OP): No sir. This is Google’s Pizza.
You: Did I dial the wrong number?
OP: No sir. Google bought the pizza store.
You: Oh, alright - then I’d like to place an order, please.
OP: Do you want the usual?
You: The usual? You know what my usual is?
OP: According to the Caller ID, the last 7 times you’ve always ordered an 8-slice with double-cheese, sausage, and thick crust.
You: Okay - that’s what I want this time, too.
OP: May I suggest that this time you order an 8-slice with ricotta, arugula, and tomato instead?
You: No, I don’t want vegetables at this time.
OP: Excuse me, but your cholesterol is not good.
You: How do you know that?
OP: We have your complete subscriber’s guide.
OP: We have the results of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
You: What? (Calming down) Maybe so, but I don’t want the pizza you suggest. And I already take medicine for high cholesterol.
OP: But you haven’t taken the medicine regularly. Four months ago you purchased a box of only 30 tablets…from the Brooklyn Drugsale Network.
You: I bought more from another drugstore.
OP: It is not showing on your credit card, sir.
You: I paid in cash.
OP: But according to your bank statement you did not withdraw that much cash for any prescription related medication.
You: I have another source of cash.
OP: This is not showing on your last tax return, unless you got it from an undeclared income source-(pause) – which I just reported to the IRS.
You: WHAT THE HELL? ENOUGH! I’m sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, AT&T, Verizon, Comcast, Spectrum, and What’s App. I’m going to an island without internet, where there’s no cellphone line, and no one to spy on me ...and…
Subscribe to The Morning Email.
Wake up to the day’s most important news.
OP: (In a calming voice) I understand sir.
OP: Please hold the line…. Please hold. Your business is important to us. Please…
OP: Excuse me sir, but the new immigration department has flagged you as a friend of a friend, who has a friend, who has a friend who knows someone who went on a trip to one of the countries that is known for terrorism sometime within the last 100 years.
OP: You are about to be arrested because you are a security risk. Please do not leave your apartment, at (pause) 10023 Carrollone Court, Brooklyn New York, 10119.
You: (Too stunned to talk.)
OP: The new Homeland Security, International Detention and Obfuscation, Delta, Tango, No Media Allowed, Task Force (HSIDODTNMATF) has sent a group of class MZ attack drones to your premises and they will open fire if you attempt to flee as the facial recognition software, or the other biometric analysis systems, will identify you or your family members, who will also be detained at this time.
OP: (In a calming voice) Please stay on this line. The expected wait time is 3.32 minutes for a human Homeland Security Officer and 1.13 minutes for the drones.
You: What the XXX&%!$@!)FUXXXYU!!!!? I just wanted a pizza!
OP: Would you like to order the pizza we suggested now, while you wait?
OP: I note that there is now an additional surcharge of $43.51 added to your bill now because you are a suspected felon.
OP: Also, because of budget cuts, you will be personally liable for all expenses that are incurred with your imminent arrest. This will come to - (pause) - approximately $41,567.37, but these are just the preliminary estimates. This information is required to be disclosed under the Homeland In-Security Act of 2019.
OP: It appears you can not cover these expenses. But do not worry; you will be put into collections immediately.
OP: I note that because of the terms and conditions, accepted by you, that do not let you ‘opt out’ of any of the said conditions, we are not liable for anything and you can not take this matter to court. Only arbitration with our arbitrators is available to you, and you will be required to pay $1,276.44 to cover any expenses we incur in this matter. I see you will have trouble paying this amount up front, but we are glad to offer a payment plan that is suitable to your lifestyle.
OP: To expedite matters, we have taken the remaining balance of your BancoRepublic account, number 123-455-765-652-1146, of $1,026.64.
You: This is all a joke right? Let me speak to your supervisor!
OP: Also, please note that this call may be monitored for quality assurance and your protection. Of course, sir, we really care about you.
OP: I add, no humans were used or harmed in this connection.
You: You are not a human? Put me through immediately to someone who…
OP: (Pause) Excuse me, but it appears that you have gone over your AT&T Wireless data quota and the speed of your connection will be slowed down to be unusable for even the bandwidth required to complete your order-and this call. We are sorry for this inconvenience.
OP: (Pause) We are told by AT&T that you should have upgraded to a larger plan during the last billing cycle.
OP: For no extra charge we can switch you to Google-Verizon-Comcast-Facebook digital phone service, covering 2.7 billion potential new friends. Please note that standard taxes, fees and surcharges do apply.
YOU: (Yelling) I WANT TO SPEAK TO A HUMAN, NOW!
OP: It is against the terms and conditions of your contract to use abusive tones…Please hold, I… Please (the sound of the voice is breaking up)... Have a n-n-n-n-nice day.
In the background you can hear the sound of sirens coming closer and the buzzing din of the MZ attack drones.