There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical.
After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem
they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines.
They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail.
In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge.
He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day,
he marked a small “x” in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated,
“This is where your problem is”.
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service.
They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark $1
Knowing where to put it $49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
equator A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.
germinate To become a naturalized German.
liter A nest of young puppies.
magnet Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
momentum What you give a person when they are going away.
planet A body of Earth surrounded by sky.
rhubarb A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
vacuum A large, empty space where the pope lives.
Did you know …?
A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.
Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.
Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.
The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity.
The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs,
and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u.
The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects.
The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off.
The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
Water is composed of two gins, oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.
The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues,
via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving.
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different Religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion,
we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in
Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because
Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same,
the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell,
then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,
then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that,
“it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that
I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is
exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that
since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any
more souls and is therefore, extinct…leaving only Heaven thereby
proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night,
Teresa kept shouting “Oh my God.”
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY A
( maybe this is a religious joke afterall?)
and my all time favourite:
The Scientists’ Party
Top scientists were invited to a party, and they all replied stating whether or not they could attend…
• Ampere was worried he wasn’t current.
• Audobon said he’d have to wing it.
• Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
• Darwin waited to see what evolved.
• Descartes said he’d think about it.
• Dr Jekyll declined-he hadn’t been feeling himself lately.
• Edison thought it would be illuminating.
• Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.
• Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetic personality.
• Hawking tried to string enough time together to make space in his schedule.
• Heisenberg was uncertain that he could make it.
• Hertz said in the future he planned to attend with greater frequency.
• Mendel said he’d put some things together and see what came out.
• Morse’s reply: “I’ll be there on the dot. Can’t stop now, must dash.”
• Newton planned to drop in.
• Ohm resisted the idea.
• Pavlov was drooling at the thought.
• Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.
• Schrodinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?
• Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco.
• Volta was electrified, and Archimedes buoyant at the thought.
• Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.
• Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.