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Math and Science Jokes
Posted: 27 June 2007 05:01 PM   [ Ignore ]
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It’s about time we decended to this level, so I’ll start you off:

What do you get if cross a sheep with a goat?
Goat.Sheep sin (theta) where theta is the angle between.

What do you get if you cross a sheep with a mountaineer?
You can’t - a mountaineer is a scalar.

Sorry.

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Posted: 27 June 2007 07:02 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 1 ]
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Retired engineer

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical.
After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem
they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines.
They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail.
In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge.
He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day,
he marked a small “x” in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated,
“This is where your problem is”.
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service.
They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark $1
Knowing where to put it $49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.


——
Useful definitions
equator   A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.
germinate   To become a naturalized German.
liter   A nest of young puppies.
magnet   Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
momentum   What you give a person when they are going away.
planet   A body of Earth surrounded by sky.
rhubarb   A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
vacuum   A large, empty space where the pope lives.
Did you know …?
A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.
Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.
Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.
The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity.
The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs,
and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u.
The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects.
The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off.
The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
Water is composed of two gins, oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.


——————
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.
The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues,
via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well. 
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. 
So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving.
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different Religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion,
we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in
Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because
Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same,
the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.  This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell,
then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,
then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that,
“it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that
I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is
exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that
since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any
more souls and is therefore, extinct…leaving only Heaven thereby
proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night,
Teresa kept shouting “Oh my God.”

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY A

( maybe this is a religious joke afterall?)

———-
and my all time favourite:

The Scientists’ Party
Author unknown
Top scientists were invited to a party, and they all replied stating whether or not they could attend…
•  Ampere was worried he wasn’t current.
•  Audobon said he’d have to wing it.
•  Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
•  Darwin waited to see what evolved.
•  Descartes said he’d think about it.
•  Dr Jekyll declined-he hadn’t been feeling himself lately.
•  Edison thought it would be illuminating.
•  Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.
•  Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetic personality.
•  Hawking tried to string enough time together to make space in his schedule.
•  Heisenberg was uncertain that he could make it.
•  Hertz said in the future he planned to attend with greater frequency.
•  Mendel said he’d put some things together and see what came out.
•  Morse’s reply: “I’ll be there on the dot. Can’t stop now, must dash.”
•  Newton planned to drop in.
•  Ohm resisted the idea.
•  Pavlov was drooling at the thought.
•  Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.
•  Schrodinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?
•  Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco.
•  Volta was electrified, and Archimedes buoyant at the thought.
•  Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.
•  Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.

[ Edited: 27 June 2007 07:08 PM by fragen ]
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Posted: 28 June 2007 01:44 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 2 ]
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take a case where________________ a = b ___________ (1)
multiply by a____________________ a^2 = ab
subtract b^2 from both sides___ a^2-b^2= ab-b^2
factorise__________________ (a+b)(a-b) = b(a-b)
divide by (a-b)_________________a + b = b
substitute eq 1 for a_______________ 2b = b
divide by b ______________ therefore 2 = 1

Edited to remove the mistake that George spotted

[ Edited: 28 June 2007 03:56 PM by narwhol ]
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Posted: 28 June 2007 02:07 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 3 ]
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narwhol - 28 June 2007 01:44 PM

take a case where________________ a = b ___________ (1)
multiply by b____________________ ab = b^2
subtract b^2 from both sides___ ab-b^2 = a^2-b^2
factorise____________________ b(a-b) = (a+b)(a-b)
divide by (a-b)___________________ b = (a+b)
substitute eq 1 for a_______________ b = 2b
divide by b ______________ therefore 1 = 2

I think this must be the first time in my life that I didn’t get the joke but at the same time I find it asolutely hilarious. Very funny, Data!

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Posted: 28 June 2007 03:30 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 4 ]
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Okay, this driving me creazy:


When you subtract b^2 from both sides in:

ab=b^2

Wouldn’t you get:

ab-b^2 = b^2-b^2?

What is the “a” doing on the right side all of a sudden?:

ab-b^2 = a^2-b^2

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Posted: 28 June 2007 03:48 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 5 ]
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George - 28 June 2007 03:30 PM

Okay, this driving me creazy:


When you subtract b^2 from both sides in:

ab=b^2

Wouldn’t you get:

ab-b^2 = b^2-b^2?

What is the “a” doing on the right side all of a sudden?:

ab-b^2 = a^2-b^2

Oops! you’re right George, I just typed it in really quickly - will edit it - sorry

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Posted: 01 July 2007 07:14 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 6 ]
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Explain this one to me:

If I have two pies and I share them equally between two people, I give each person one pie.
However, if I have minus two pies and I share them equally between minus two people, I still give one pie to each one. (minus two divided by minus two equals one).
But I haven’t got any pies!
And who are these minus people anyway?

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Posted: 02 July 2007 10:21 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 7 ]
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George - 28 June 2007 02:07 PM

I think this must be the first time in my life that I didn’t get the joke but at the same time I find it asolutely hilarious. Very funny, Data!

If a=b, then in step four you are dividing by zero (a-b).  Not funny.

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Posted: 02 July 2007 10:21 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 8 ]
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All right, so this astrophysicist walks into a bar, okay?  And she’s talking on her cell phone.  After a few minutes, she puts away the phone and sighs, “It’s no use.  My husband just doesn’t understand me.”

And the bartender says, “Gee, I’m sorry, lady.  It’s probably because of the culture in which he was brought up, where men aren’t supposed to be in touch with their feelings.  Why don’t you fix a quiet, candle-lit dinner just for the two of you—all of his favorite dishes—and encourage him to open up?”

The astrophysicist looks at him like he’s crazy.  “What are you talking about?  He’s been on the International Space Station talking nothing but Russian for the past six months!  And we’re in the middle of a sunspot cycle!”

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Posted: 02 July 2007 12:46 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 9 ]
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1st version: A neutron walks into a bar and says “Ow.”

2nd version: A neutron walks into a bar and has several drinks. Once he is in a satisfactory state of inebriation, he gets ready to pay his bill and asks the bartender “how much?” The bartender says “For you, no charge.”

Sort of more of a philosophy joke but…

Rene Descartes walks into a bar and has several drinks before becoming quite tipsy. The bartender asks “another beer?” And Rene Descartes says “I think not!” and he disappears.

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1. God is omnipotent.
Source: Several incidents where I’ve annoyed fundamentalist Christians by challenging God’s power.
2. If God is omnipotent then he can travel faster than the speed of light.
Modus Ponens
3. Nothing can travel faster than the speed of light.
Source: Einstein
Therefore, God is nothing.
QED

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Posted: 02 July 2007 01:10 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 10 ]
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A Sodium atom is chatting up a Lithium atom in a bar and he asks her back to his place.  She agrees, but as he gets up to go she says “oh wait - I’ve lost an electron!”  He asks “Are you sure?” and she says “Yes, I’m positive.”

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Posted: 02 July 2007 10:10 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 11 ]
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And people complain about my puns????

Occam

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Posted: 02 July 2007 10:59 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 12 ]
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advocatus - 02 July 2007 10:21 AM

If a=b, then in step four you are dividing by zero (a-b).  Not funny.

Yeah, Narwhol already told me about it. I failed to see it myself.

[ Edited: 03 July 2007 04:32 PM by George ]
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Posted: 03 July 2007 12:03 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 13 ]
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Wow! I though I could never be out-geeked, but you guys have proven me wrong!  :grin:

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The SkeptVet
The SkeptVet Blog
Militant Agnostic: I don’t know, and neither do you!

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Posted: 03 July 2007 07:49 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 14 ]
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Well.. I feel ashamed about this, but I like this kind of jokes.

Teacher: Please give an example of doppler efect, using light instead of sound
Student: Well, when a car is coming, its lights are white/violet. When it go away, its lights are red.

Sorry for that wink, but I like it.

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Posted: 03 July 2007 09:02 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 15 ]
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Silly, but it made me laugh.  Very good, Barto.

Since this is the technical thread:

“How can you tell if an engineer at a party is extroverted?”
“Because he looks at the other people’s shoes while he’s talking with them.”

Occam

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