Jokes
Posted: 24 March 2008 06:27 AM   [ Ignore ]
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(I just got this from the Atheist Outreach newsletter)

WHERE DO PETS COME FROM?

A newly discovered chapter in the “Book of Genesis” has provided the
answer to “Where do pets come from?”

Adam and Eve said, “Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us
every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it
is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.”

And God said, “I will create a companion for you that will be with you
and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love
me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or
unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and
will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.”

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it
was a good animal. And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his
tail.  And Adam said, “Lord, I have already named all the animals in the
Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.”

And God said, ” I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my
love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will
call him DOG.”

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved
them.  And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said,
“Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen
like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has
indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.”

And God said, “I will create for them a companion who will be with them
and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of
their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of
adoration.”

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s
eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased

And Dog was happy.

And Cat was not impressed.

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Posted: 07 April 2008 06:54 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 1 ]
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(Someone told me this joke on St. Patrick’s day.  I warn you the punch line is a little bit on the risque side.)

A man walks in and sits down at a bar.  After a minute or so, he notices the guy sitting next to him has a small box on the bar in front of him, and he has a very sad expression on his face as he drinks his beer.  So just to make conversation, he asks, “What you got in the box, pal?”

The guy gives him a very sour look, then without a word he unlatches the lid which lets down the entire side of the box.  Inside is a tiny little piano.  Even more amazing, there’s a little person in there, just over a foot tall, dressed in a tuxedo.  He bows, sits down at the piano, and starts playing.  When he’s done, he takes another bow and sits back down.

“That’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen!” says the man.  “I can’t figure out what you’re so sad about.”

The guy gives him a heavy-duty sigh and then launches into his story.  “I recently took a vacation in Ireland.  I rented a cottage up in the mountains, I mean in the middle of nowhere!  On the last day of my vacation, I woke up and I kid you not there was a leprechaun sitting at the kitchen table, eating my Fruit Loops.”

“What did you do?”

“I picked up a wicker laundry basket, snuck up behind him, and popped the basket down over his head as quick as I could.  The leprechaun said, ‘Ye caught me fair an’ square boyo.  Ye get one wish.’

“I said I thought it was three wishes.  The leprechaun put his hand to his ear and said, ‘How’s that again, boyo?’

“A little louder, I said I thought it was three wishes.  He said, ‘No, it’s one wish.  Take it or leave it.’

“So I made my wish.  That’s the whole story.”  The guy turned sadly back to his beer.

“I still don’t understand,” said the man.

The guy sighed again.  “Don’t you get it?  The leprechaun was hard of hearing!  That’s how I ended up with thirteen inch pianist!”

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Posted: 29 April 2008 03:58 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 2 ]
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.

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Posted: 30 April 2008 03:17 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 3 ]
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Just another tidbit from The Onion.

Report: 32% Of Prayers Deflected Off Passing Satellites
March 19, 2008 | Issue 44•12


HOUSTON—According to an official NASA report released Saturday, nearly 32 percent of all prayers exiting Earth are deflected off satellites orbiting the planet—ultimately preventing the discharged requests for divine intervention from ever making it to the Gates of Heaven. “After impact with the satellite, these diverted prayers typically plummet back into the atmosphere, where they either burn up or eventually land, unanswered, in a body of water,” the report read in part. “Of the remaining prayers, research confirms 64 percent fail to make it past the stratosphere because they aren’t prayed hard enough, 94 percent of those with enough momentum are swallowed by a supermassive black hole at the center of the Milky Way galaxy, and 43 percent are eaten by birds.” The report concluded that, of the 170 billion prayers issued last month, one made it to God, whose reply was intercepted by a hurricane and incorrectly delivered to a Nigerian man who reportedly did not know what to do with his brand-new Bowflex machine.

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Militant Agnostic: I don’t know, and neither do you!

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Posted: 09 May 2008 03:02 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 4 ]
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http://www.comics.com/creators/speedbump/archive/speedbump-20080425.html

will only last 30 days

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Posted: 11 May 2008 09:01 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 5 ]
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.

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Posted: 23 June 2008 09:18 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 6 ]
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I was hoping to make ‘him’ dizzy and fall over LOL

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Church; where sheep congregate to worship a zombie on a stick that turns into a cracker on Sundays…

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Posted: 23 June 2008 09:36 PM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 7 ]
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The French revolution is winding down, and to celebrate, they bring three high profile prisoners from the Bastile for public execution. According to the law, if there is a malfunction of the guillotine, it is seen as divine intervention by God, and the prisoner is to be released and pardoned. The first prisoner is a doctor who provided care and comfort for the enemies of the state. He prays to God, asks for ‘his’ forgiveness, and places his head in the cradle. The executioner looses the blade which comes whizzing down toward the prisoners head….and stops inches from his neck. God has saved him! He thanks God for the pardon and is left to go free. The next prisoner is a lawyer who helped to inteprete laws in ways that would be favorable to the enemies of the state. He approaches the guillotine, says his prayers and lays his head down. Again the executioner looses the blade, and again it stops inches from the neck of it’s intended victim. the Lawyer gets up, thanks God and is release to go on his way. The next prisoner is an engineer, who helped to design the war machines for the enemies of the state. He walked over to the guillotine, looks up and says ’ I know what your problem is…there is a knot up there….....’ LOL

Patricia was hard at work as a loan manager for a large bank when a frog hopped over to her, and says “Miss Whack, I would like a personal loan for $30,000.” Patricia, startled, says ” Mr. Frog, do you have any collateral to secure this loan?”, in response, he places a small white, very delicate porcelain elephant on the desk. “I have this, and my father is Mick Jagger” he replies. Confused, Patty, takes the elephant and tells the frog that she will have to speak with her manager. In the managers office, Patty tells her boss the situation and shows him the small white elephant. Exasperated, her boss tells her, “it’s a knick Knack Patty Whack, give the frog a loan, his old man’s a rolling stone!” (had you singing, didn’t I?? LOL

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Church; where sheep congregate to worship a zombie on a stick that turns into a cracker on Sundays…

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Posted: 30 June 2008 06:59 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 8 ]
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A guy went to see the afternoon showing of “I Am Legend”.  The first time the dog appeared on the screen, he heard a loud YAP! just behind him.  Turning around, he saw a big German shephard on the seat behind him, sitting next to his owner who appeared to be asleep.  The guy tried to enjoy the movie, but every time the dog appeared, the dog behind him would give a loud YAP!  Finally he leaned over and punched the man behind him.

“Hey, what’s going on with your dog here?” he said.

The man just turned over on the other side.  “Beats me.  He hated the book!”

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