The Onion: New Evidence Suggests God Also Had Incredibly Busty Daughter
ARABAH VALLEY, ISRAEL—In a discovery that biblical scholars say could alter our most fundamental understanding of Christianity, recently unearthed manuscripts suggest that in addition to His Son, Jesus Christ, God also had a daughter with absolutely humongous breasts.

The documents, found in a cave near the Jordanian- Israeli border and estimated to have been composed circa A.D. 200, recount the life, teachings, and death of Jesus’ well-endowed twin sister, Tammi of Nazareth. According to experts, the revelation points to a more dualistic conception of the divine, one with the male principle embodied in Jesus and the female principle represented by Tammi and her giant, heaving bazoingas.

“It’s a monumental shift,” said Boston College religion professor Paul Ferber, claiming that the newly discovered texts are more significant than the Gospel of Judas or the Dead Sea Scrolls. “Tammi has single-handedly undercut the male hegemony we’ve come to associate with the Christian faith, and added an important new dimension to the holy scripture.”

“Also, the various sources are in clear agreement that Tammi had the most enormous jugs in all of Galilee,” added Ferber, gesturing with his hands.“Seriously. Like, out to here.”

The existence of Tammi has caused scholars to reexamine the Trinity of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, and replace it with a Quadrinity that includes the Daughter figure—though some, including Ferber, argue it should actually be reconstrued as “a five-way Quintinity, counting as two separate divine powers both of Tammi’s bodacious watermelons.”
[Read The Rest of The Article Here]

Hysterically funny ... another score for the apocryphal Onion.

Keke

Kyuuketsuki UK - 29 September 2010 01:40 PM

The Onion: New Evidence Suggests God Also Had Incredibly Busty Daughter
ARABAH VALLEY, ISRAEL—In a discovery that biblical scholars say could alter our most fundamental understanding of Christianity, recently unearthed manuscripts suggest that in addition to His Son, Jesus Christ, God also had a daughter with absolutely humongous breasts.

The documents, found in a cave near the Jordanian- Israeli border and estimated to have been composed circa A.D. 200, recount the life, teachings, and death of Jesus’ well-endowed twin sister, Tammi of Nazareth. According to experts, the revelation points to a more dualistic conception of the divine, one with the male principle embodied in Jesus and the female principle represented by Tammi and her giant, heaving bazoingas.

“It’s a monumental shift,” said Boston College religion professor Paul Ferber, claiming that the newly discovered texts are more significant than the Gospel of Judas or the Dead Sea Scrolls. “Tammi has single-handedly undercut the male hegemony we’ve come to associate with the Christian faith, and added an important new dimension to the holy scripture.”

“Also, the various sources are in clear agreement that Tammi had the most enormous jugs in all of Galilee,” added Ferber, gesturing with his hands.“Seriously. Like, out to here.”

The existence of Tammi has caused scholars to reexamine the Trinity of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, and replace it with a Quadrinity that includes the Daughter figure—though some, including Ferber, argue it should actually be reconstrued as “a five-way Quintinity, counting as two separate divine powers both of Tammi’s bodacious watermelons.”
[Read The Rest of The Article Here]

Hysterically funny ... another score for the apocryphal Onion.

Keke

Onion always produce tears in my eyes (from laughter) 

.
Hmmm…it seems that god’s daughter looks very much like Christina Hendricks…in…ahem…every respect.

Damn, another reason not to be a Xtian,  I’m a leg man. 

garythehuman - 18 October 2010 08:29 AM

Damn, another reason not to be a Xtian,  I’m a leg man. 

Fair enough, but this does definitely prove our evolution from mammalian ancestry in several ways.

Don’t you mean mammarian ancestry?

Dead Monky - 18 October 2010 01:49 PM

Don’t you mean mammarian ancestry?

“mmmmmmmmm…” must have come from all the M(s) in mammarian. 

Perhaps a new religion? (with due respect and worship of our female counterpart)
Our prayers would only have to consist of “...mmmmmmmmmmmmm…..”, somewhat similar to the eastern spiritual practices.

A while back, on another board I’m on, we got a in holy war about something like this.  We couldn’t agree on who should be our One True Goddess.

Kim Kardashian

Aki Hoshino:

Or this Indian chick.  We don’t know her name, but we didn’t care.

In the end, a sensible prophet arose who preached of polytheism, winning us over to his sensible faith.  The war ended and there was peace throughout the board.

Amen.