In the beginning - before anything at all existed - there was an Invisible Man. (Col. 1:17) This Invisible Man was named Jesus Kryasst, and He lived in the Sky Kingdom with the Holy Farter and the Holy Spook, both of Whom were somehow magically Him. Now, the Sky Kingdom - which is located just above the solid dome firmament in which the stars are fixed - obviously didn’t exist before all was created. Before then, Jesus and the other Two who were also somehow magically Him lived in Nowhere. Anyway, about 6000 years ago, Jesus got lonely and decided that He should bring about the creation of all things so he would have creatures who would willingly worship Him. In a powerfully magical moment the likes of which the universe has never known since, Jesus created everything by speaking a powerful magical spell from Nowhere. This magical event is known to scientists as the "Big Bang". Along with the Big Bang came our solar system and a flat planet known as "Earth".
Now, the Earth was void and without form except for being flat, and the Holy Spook flew above it in the form of a dove. Through His powerful magic, He created a habitable zone known as the Garden of Eden. Now in this garden, The Holy Farter placed a magic tree that would play a pivotal role in human history. He magically created Adam & Eve, the first two humans. Everything was just great! Adam and Eve loved the Holy Farter and worshipped Him through the Holy Spook! Everything was wonderful in the magical garden for a long time. Glory!
Now, one day a fiendishly evil previously unknown character appeared in the Garden—the Talking Snake.
The Talking Snake and Eve had a conversation, and he convinced her that it was okay to eat from the magic tree that the Holy Farter had forbidden them to eat from. Eve ate some fruit from the magic tree, and then so did Adam. They suddenly realized that they were naked and tried to hide from the Holy Farter. The Talking Snake laughed because he knew he had accomplished his purpose.
About this time, the Holy Farter came down from the Sky Kingdom for His daily walk with Adam and Eve in the Garden. His all-knowing Self couldn’t find them! He called out, "Adam!" There was no answer. "Eve!" No answer. Several tries produced the same results. Finally Adam called out to the Holy Farter and said, "Holy Farter, here we are under the magic tree with this Talking Snake!" The Holy Farter ran over and said, "Talking Snake, what have you done? For the rest of your days you shall crawl on your belly and eat dust!" The Holy Farter turned to Adam and Eve and said, "Don’t worry, even though I am extremely pissed off because you ate the magic fruit from the magic tree. You will both die now, but in 4000 years, I will send a version of Myself back here to this flat planet and save you and your descendants from Myself.
So, the time finally came, and Kryasst came down from the Sky Kingdom to this flat earth. He walked among us, having clearly in mind His mission to destroy the works of the Talking Snake. (1 John 3:8) He went about the countryside with his disciples teaching and healing folks and teaching in the synagogues. Among His most famous and controversial sayings was recorded in John 14:6 by an anonymous author decades after His death, "I am the Highway, the Byway, and the Skyway. Nobody comes to the Sky Me except through Me." He so pissed off the Jews that they demanded His death, though Kryasst claimed that He gave Himself willingly. He was beaten and nailed to a big giant stick, and then the Holy Farter sacrificed Himself to Himself through Kryasst, and then Kryasst gave up the Spook.
Kryasst’s disciples were very sad, but when three days had passed, a magical miracle occurred. What happened next depends on which contradictory gospel account you choose to believe, but Kryasst was Alive! He had Magically Undeadened Himself! Glory! He magically appeared to the disciples and some other folks, and then blasted off for the Sky Kingdom again from the Mount of Olives.
Kryasst now lives in the Sky Kingdom sitting at the right hand of Himself in the form of the Holy Farter. The Holy Spook is still here on earth doing Kryasst’s Work.
Kryasst Croaked in the Spook and Magically Undeadened Himself so that you could live forever with Him in the Sky Kingdom worshipping Him instead of spending eternity in a flaming torture chamber with the Talking Snake. Won’t you accept Kryasst as your Lord and Savior today? If you believe this glorious bullshit, please let me know, and I’ll glory in your newfound Sky Joy with you! Glory!