Intercessory Prayer Cures HIV Baby
March 5, 2013
The Internet is abuzz with reports that new advances in intercessory prayer may have cured a baby born with HIV.
Deborah Presaud, ThD, the lead doctor authoring the report, explained, “We experimented with an aggressive regimen of Our Fathers followed by intermittent Hail Marys and personalized individual pleas to God and all His angels and saints.” She continued with, “we knew God was fully capable of curing babies born with HIV, we just had to hit Him with the right combination of intercessory prayers to pry him away from college basketball.”
The discovery provides a wealth of new data on exactly how powerful intercessory prayer can be, despite centuries of data to the contrary, where intercessory prayer performed no better than random chance.
It turns out that Arms-In-The-Air Prayer is utterly ineffectual, according to the recent report. Doctors now recommend hands clasped or folded together flat for best results.
Many other pediatric cancer researchers rely on science-based medicine, which requires knowledge of the complex relationship between cell growth, viruses, and chemistry.*
“We basically just ignored all of that mumbo-jumbo and put our faith in God’s hands. The best part about our approach is that it requires no expensive drug research, and minimal memorization of Holy Scripture. We plan to implement this new regimen on the thousands of babies born with HIV each day, for whom God presumably has not yet received the correct intercessory prayer combination.”
Hard at work, curing babies of HIV.
God could not be reached for comment on what it is about this particular combination of prayers that caused the baby to be cured, but the fact that it worked proves His loving existence. As to the thousands of HIV-babies born and left uncured every other day, well, this confirms the hypothesis that His plan works in mysterious ways.
One of the many babies for whom priests failed to pray correctly, who went on to experience God’s Wrath.
Faith healing companies are already scrambling to purchase the patent on this new wonder prayer regimen, in the hopes of making vast riches selling it on late night infomercials, and the Catholic Church hopes to take credit and boost polls on the incoming pope.
Referring to Protestant faith healers, a Vatican spokesperson said, “If they think they can capitalize on this to amass power and wealth, well, let’s just say they’ve got another thing coming… what I mean is, we’ll murder all of them to protect what little influence and wealth we have left.”
Science advocates maintain that the influence of intercessory prayer on medical procedures is demonstrably nil, but, as they do not even know how magnets work, they are not to be trusted.
*It should be noted that, in addition to prayer, some science was used in curing the baby.
About the Author: Seth KurtenbachSeth Kurtenbach is pursuing his PhD in computer science at the University of Missouri. His current research focuses on the application of formal logic to questions about knowledge and rationality. He has his Master's degree in philosophy from the University of Missouri, and is growing an epic beard in order to maintain his philosophical powers. You can email Seth at Seth.Kurtenbach@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter: @SJKur.
#1 jemankowski on Wednesday March 06, 2013 at 4:32pm
This. Is. Genius.