Our Evil Plan to Topple the Vatican Crime Family is Working!
February 28, 2013
I couldn’t be more pleased with the results we’ve seen from our efforts to topple the Vatican crime family, a criminal organization specializing in kid raping. Joey Ratz, former Boss of the syndicate, shall retain the title of “emeritus pope”, which helps us by dividing Catholic loyalties. Each resulting faction will be weaker than they otherwise would be as a unified party. Also, they’ll be too busy fighting among each other to notice that we are winning. It’s an old tactic for winning. I urge all of you skepto-atheists to keep up the good work. This post serves as an update of the current situation.
The Vatican is finally taking it seriously, this year.
The constant political infighting and jockeying for power has caused a series of information leaks. Apparently, there is some sort of underground gay sex cabal among some of the top capos and underbosses of the organization. I’ve got no problem with this, but all of the organization does, so the gay sex cabal has preemptively blackmailed political enemies into resignation. The Vatican is staunchly opposed to gay sex among consenting adults because they feel it dilutes and weakens their primary racket of raping kids; this is the same reason they forbid their members from engaging in hetero sex among consenting adults, as well. The more you know…
Brief ADHD tangent, commence:
I’ve always wondered about the line of reasoning that blames the kid raping racket on the celibacy of priests. The argument rests on the principle that if the priests could get married, then they wouldn’t rape kids. I’m sure I’m not the only one who realizes that plenty of married psychopaths nevertheless manage to systematically rape kids. Analogy—it’s not like a valid hunting license would have stopped Bundy from murdering all those women. But I digress. Let’s get back to the secret gay sex club!
I’ve already broken rules 1 and 2 of the Vatican’s Gay Sex Club.
We can infer from the gay sex cabal that we skeptics are not the only organization attempting to infiltrate the Vatican and topple it from within, Donnie Brasco style. (Dirty metaphors involving penetration and internal power thrusting and Johnny Depp abound here, but I tastefully avoid them.) Our gay allies must also be in on the gig. We’re rooting for you, gay moles! Get your secret gay sex on with consenting adults all you want, so long as you continue to tear the kid raping racket apart through blackmail and subterfuge.
It’s the perfect disguise for infiltrating the Vatican, what with its ornate and colorful ceremonial costumes. This spy managed to rollerblade unnoticed right into the smoke-filled back rooms of the Curia.
So far, the gay sex cabal has succeeded in ousting two of the top earners for the kid raping racket. Cardinals Mahoney and O’Brien, of Los Angeles and Edinburgh respectively, have both been forced from the race to the golden throne. Mahoney has not yet been blackmailed into resignation, which means he probably has some good blackmail material of his own, but O’Brien did sign his papers. According to a Vatican spokesman, O’Brien resigned because he was getting really old: 75. As I pointed out in my last blog on the crime syndicate’s turmoil, we can take it for granted that whatever the Vatican spokesman says is almost certainly false. Everyone knows that creepy old men, 75 and older, make the best kid rapers. O’Brien was only just reaching his prime! What is the average age of the remaining college of cardinals? Just over 72. Are they all about to resign? What about all the old farts in their 90s? The upper limit on voting in the conclave is 80, indicating that it is quite common for cardinals to serve well passed 75.
I call Mahoney a top earner for the racket, but his earnings are not measured in money. As far as gross monetary earnings go, Mahoney brought in somewhere around negative 660 million dollars for the syndicate. The net loss results from a massive lawsuit. No, his true earnings are measured in kids raped on his watch: 508 victims over 60 years. Not too shabby! However, just being the archbishop of a kid-raping institution does not a blackmail material make: everyone already knows archbishops run kid-raping rackets. So, they must have some pretty juicy dirt on Mahoney, but not quite juicy enough to make him resign. I’m thinking he probably has some illegitimate children, and the gay cabal is threatening to expose him for that in order to keep him out of the conclave.
Ostensibly, the staff designates the archbishop as shepherd to his flock… it is merely incidental that the staff makes a perfect leg-hooker for when the children try to scamper away.
Of course, any reasonably decent person would have no problem with a priest having illegitimate children. However, reasonably decent people do not rise to power in the Vatican crime family, as I argued in my last blog on the topic. Thus, according to the twisted value system espoused by the top ranks, having illegitimate children is way worse than covering up a widespread kid raping racket.
O’Brien, on the other hand, received the full blown, Joey Ratz-style forced resignation. We can confidently predict that he did a little more than just unsuccessfully cover up the Edinburgh area kid raping racket. Just as it is frowned upon for Sopranos capo Christopher to dip into his drug product, it may be frowned upon for an archbishop to be using up all the kids in his archdiocese. But who really knows? Maybe he did something unspeakably good, and the Vatican doesn’t want its horrible reputation to be improved. We should consider this a possibility, but this leaves unexplained his staunch opposition to homosexuality, a decidedly not good feature… perhaps its part of his cover story?
O’Brien, sad because he’ll never wear a sillier hat than Archbishop Hat. In Catholicism, power is proportional to hat silliness.
About the Author: Seth KurtenbachSeth Kurtenbach is pursuing his PhD in computer science at the University of Missouri. His current research focuses on the application of formal logic to questions about knowledge and rationality. He has his Master's degree in philosophy from the University of Missouri, and is growing an epic beard in order to maintain his philosophical powers. You can email Seth at Seth.Kurtenbach@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter: @SJKur.
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