We all need a laugh every now and then, so I thought I’d start a thread for religious jokes, or link to websites that have jokes. Here’s one to start us off.
A nun was riding in a taxi cab one night, and noticed the driver kept darting nervous glances into the passenger compartment. Finally he plucked up his courage and said, "Sister, I’d like to ask you a question, but I don’t know how to say it without offending you."
"I assure you, my son," said the nun. "I’ve heard just about everything. There’s nothing you can ask that would offend me."
"It’s that black habit, I guess," said the driver, blushing. "I’ve always fantasized about being kissed by a nun."
To his surprise, the nun solemnly thought over his request. "Are you single?"
"Are you Catholic?"
"Then if it means that much to you," said the nun, "I don’t see what harm it would do."
The driver eagerly pulled over to the curb. To his utter astonishment, the nun grabbed him by the lapels and gave him the deepest French kiss he had ever had in his life. He was so stunned, he didn’t say a word as he put the taxi in gear and drove on.
"Wow!" he said at last. "That was such a great kiss, I really feel guilty about lying to you, sister. You see, I’m not really single, and I’m not really Catholic."
"Think nothing of it, my son," said the nun. "My name is Kevin, and I’m on my way to a costume party."
On the twelth day of Christmas, by true love gave to me
Twelve Christians crossing
Eleven Moslems mosquing
Ten Hindus hopping
Nine Buddhists Oming
Eight Wiccans walking
Seven Shriners stalking
FIVE THOUSAND CREEDS!
Four Hasidic Jews
Three Ghost Hunters
A blind man is sitting on a park bench. A Rabbi sits down beside him and starts to eat some matzos (a flat thin rough surfaced unleavened bread eaten during the Passover). He gives a piece to the blind man. A couple of minutes later, the blind man says “Who wrote this junk?”
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, “How do you expect to get into Heaven?”
The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!’”
A group of men are stoning a prostitute. Jesus comes by and steps between the men and their victim. With great solemnity he intones “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” While the men bow there heads and ponder this wisdom, an old women hobbles over and bashes the prostitute in the head with a rock. Jesus replies, “oh, MOM, sometimes you piss me off!”
There was a boy who just couldn’t do well in math class, no matter how much his teachers, parents and tutors worked with him. His parents heard about a local Catholic school that was supposed to have one of the finest math programs in the city so they decided to enroll him there. After the first day of school the boy came racing home, ran up to his room and finished him homework in record time. This happened every day for the first week, and everything he turned in was given an A+. Finally his parents just had to ask him what the school was doing that was so great.
“Well,” he said, “when I walked into my first class and saw they had nailed some guy to a plus sign, I *knew* they weren’t kidding around!”
Three young bible belt teens on their way to Bible study were killed in an auto accident and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.
The first said, “Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey.”
St. Peter said, “Nooooooooo,” and he banished the teen to hell.
The second said, “Easter is when we celebrate Jesus’ birth, and exchange gifts.”
St. Peter said, “Noooooooo,” and he banished the second teen to hell.
The third said he knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, “So tell me.”
He said, “Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder.
St. Peter said, “Verrrry good.”
Then the boy continued, “Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball.”
Two cannibals met one day in the jungle. The first said, “I went up the river and got me a couple of Catholic monks the other day and brought em home and boiled them and they tasted terrible.”
The second says, incredulously, “You boiled them?”
[I swiped this off infidels.org years ago. They used to have some good stuff, but lately I can’t seem to find their Humor page.]
Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal was begun when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God’s “only son” last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem. Sources close to Mary claim that she “had loved God for a long time”, that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was “thrilled to have had his child.”
In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that “No sexual relationship existed”, and that “the facts of this story will come out in time, verily”
Independent counsel Kenneth Bealzebub immediately filed a brief with the Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives known only as the “Wise Men”. Bealzebub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair. Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges that Bealzebub was originally appointed to investigate: that God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal. In recent months, Bealzebub’s investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God’s political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah was to divert attention away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised Country to a Jewish special interest group was a quid pro quo for political contributions.
If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to God’s career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently outlined a “tough-on-crime” plan consisting of a series of 10 “Commandments”, which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep. Moses(R). Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the “Name in Vain” Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech.
A Catholic priest, a Baptist minister and a Rabbi were talking one day about how difficult it was to win new converts. Somehow or another, they got in into their heads that the real test would be to witness to an animal. So they all agreed to go out into the wilderness and try to convert a bear. A week later, they met to compare notes.
The Catholic was on crutches, one leg broken, and numerous fractures and contusions all over his body. He said, “It took me some time to find the bear, but when I did, I started reading the Catechism to it. The bear wanted nothing to do with me. It jumped on me and fought for a good long time, until I sprinkled it with Holy Water. The bear suddenly became as meek as a lamb. The Bishop is coming to administer his Confirmation next week.”
The Baptist was in a wheelchair, both legs broken as well as an arm. “I found a bear without any trouble, but when I began to read him the Word of God, he wanted nothing to do with me. We wrestled up one hill and down another, until we came to a creek. I dunked that bear under and baptized him in the name of the Holy Spirit, and lo and behold, that bear became as meek as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus together.”
The Rabbi was in a hospital bed, in a full body cast, an IV in each arm and connected to a cardiac monitor. He said, “Well, now that I look back on it, maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to start off with circumcision.”
An agnostic died in a plane crash and to his surprise, woke up and found himself outside the Gates of Heaven, looking into the welcoming visage of Saint Peter. “There must be some mistake,” he said. “I never accepted Jesus as my Savior. I wasn’t even sure if he was real.”
“Honest doubt is better than blindly conforming to any petty matter of doctrine,” said Saint Peter.
“I didn’t even go to church,” said the agnostic.
“But you were kind to your neighbors,” said Saint Peter.
“I said some pretty strong things about God sometimes,” said the agnostic sheepishly.
“What kind of Supreme Being would He be if He couldn’t take a joke?” said Saint Peter, opening the gates and motioning him inside.
By this time, the agnostic was starting to get used to the idea that he really was in Heaven. “Is it true that all the good people who ever lived are here?”
“Most of them,” said Saint Peter. “Is there anyone in particular you would like to meet?”
“Well,” said the agnostic. “There is one man I’ve always admired. Do you think…do you think I could say hello to John F. Kennedy?”
“WHAT?” Saint Peter thundered, slamming the gate in his face. “Don’t tell me you’re a DEMOCRAT?”
A guy took a girl out on her first date. When they pulled off into a secluded area around midnight, and the girl said, “My mother gave me a strict commandment to say no to everything.”
“Well,” he said, “do you mind if I put my arm around you?”
“No,” the girl replied.
“Do you mind if I put my other hand on your leg?”
“N-n-no,” the girl stammered.
The guy smiled and said, “Now we see the problem with Commandments.”
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.” With even greater emphasis he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.” And then finally, he said, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.” He sat down.
The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 65: “Shall We Gather at the River.”
A rabbi and a priest who were good friends were discussing various things over dinner. The priest said, “Let me ask you a question. Did curiosity ever get the better of you? Have you ever tasted ham?”
“Yes,” confessed the rabbi. One day in a moment of weakness I ordered a ham sandwich, and I must admit I liked it. Now let me ask you a question, my friend. Have you ever had sexual relations with a woman?”
The priest blushed. “Yes, I must admit, I too succumbed to temptation, and spent the evening having sex with a lovely young woman.”
Moses was talking with God, and Moses says, “Wait a minute. Let me get this straight. THEY get to have all the oil deposits, and WE cut off the tip of our WHAT?”
Eve was talking with God in the Garden of Eden, and she said, “God I have a problem. It’s a beautiful garden, but I’m lonely and I’m sick of eating apples.”
“Okay. I’ll create a man for you.”
What’s a man?”
“He’s a creature with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego who doesn’t listen and gets lost a lot, but he’s big and strong, he can open jars and hunt animals and he’s fun in bed.”
“I guess I can live with that!”
“There’s just one other thing. He’s going to want to believe I made him first.”
How many Intelligent Design proponents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
There you go presupposing the “theory” that the bulb is broken is a FACT! If it weren’t for all these activist judges, we’d be able to teach our children equally scientific alternate theories, such as the obvious conclusion that there is a little green man in the wires preventing the electricity from getting to this particular bulb! How long have you been a card-carrying member of the ACLU, anyway?